The Road to the Sun: A Record of Self Initiation to Tipheret

by Bill Heidrick

All rights reserved by the author © 1989

“How fair and how pleasant art thou, o love, for delights!
This thy stature is like to a palm tree,
And thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
I said: 'I will climb up into the palm tree,
I will take hold of the branches thereof;
And let thy breasts be as clusters of the vine,
And the smell of thy countenance like apples;
And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine,
That glideth down smoothly for my beloved,
Moving gently the lips of those that are asleep.”

— from “The Song of Songs, Which is Solomon's” 7: 7-10




All things have one beginning and one ending. The end is the beginning. I was born into this world August ninth, 1943 e.v. and I have lived many lives since my birth. Some of these lives have been joyful, some have held the bitter pain of innocence, some have been blind anger, some have been filled with the softness of love. I have learned to hate. In hate I could find no one to hate but myself. The hate was great enough to teach love. The love was small enough to banish hate forever. Now love grows inexorably toward Chesed and that which is beyond all loves and hates, yet ever in love and ever the object of hate. No end and no beginning, yet the semblance of both. Drink deeply in these reflections and know yourself in me. We are one, you and I; and in our oneness we may transcend all and reach the great silence that is somehow everything and nothing. A truth so obvious may be a secret forever.

Let us make an oath never to deceive or willfully hide growing thoughts from one another. There are many secret lodges hiding in their secret thoughts. To know the tale and tell it not is death, and such lodges always die with their makers. True secrets keep themselves until gentle wooing brings them as lovers to our souls. There is no master of such mysteries save the master of the inmost self. Let us share this pledge, brothers and sisters: that light which comes to each of us let us share with any who are open to receive.

There is no jealous god or scheming devil to torment such as we. There are mysteries of great beauty behind these dull and grotesque masks. These masks have been made by half enlightened men who refuse to trod the next step on the way. They remain as bleached and grinning skulls to frighten children into false and stiffening maturity. There is no pain of evil and no sin save by clandestine agreement between half asleep self deceivers. There is no truth but only Truth. That truth we tend to all our lives. Enlightenment is not knowledge of truth; it is steady and continuing growth toward timelessness and perfection beyond the current perfection.

Let us bind ourselves in one more oath. Say anything, even judgments of one another; but let the judgments be soft words forgotten by the speaker as they are spoken. Let us not compare spiritual progress. Let us share our acts and joys, our sorrows and our yearnings; but let no one say: “My state is better than another's.” Neither shall anyone say: “I lack the perfections of my brother.” This is folly of the lowly sort. Let us partake of the folly of light and make no hateful comparisons. No one can truly know who stands higher and who lower beneath the open Eye of God. In matters of this world there are necessary comparisons to be made, but these mean nothing in the Great Work.

Still, such experiments and searches as we make may aid others to know themselves. Let us share such when we can. Our Order is a great one which has no bounds or rulers. It is the order of Beings and we are of the lodge of Humanity. There is no higher order and no more rightful lodge.

These are my experiments with the way called Tree of Life.


The tenth Sephiroth.

Shortly after my birth, my parents gave me the name I bear in this world. This name is my name of Malkut: William Emmet Heidrick. Through many cycles of experience I have kept this name and used it in this world. My friends have given me other names; enemies have sometimes done the same. All these are names of Malkut, and all have magical power to raise or lower the powers of this world. My birth name binds me to the laws of this place and enables me to act through this society. My nicknames are a union with others in this place through love. The names called down upon my head are a reminder of work to be done in this place.

From birth to now I have dwelt in Malkut. Birth is initiation into Malkut. Death is severance from Malkut. I will be in Malkut until death takes me elsewhere,. That other place will be another experience of Malkut. This does not mean that I will never reach beyond Malkut. I exist in all ten levels of the Tree of Life always. The thing we call consciousness of self may flit about in any of these places. When that consciousness grows slowly from the least toward the highest, never relinquishing touch with the least nor abandoning the quest for the highest, the Tree of Life is climbed.

I first became aware of this climbing in April of 1970 e.v. The tale of my life before that time is too long to tell in this place, but I came to write in my diary:

2/19/70 e.v.

My religion is not Christian or Buddhist or any of those. It is not written down in a book or spoken by a leader. My religion is written in all the writings of men. It is spoken in all the words of men and in the utterances of beasts and the wind through trees and past the corners of buildings. It is felt in the texture of the manifestations of the Universal Being, whatever and wherever they may be. To me, truly, God is Being.

This was my consciousness then and it is still my consciousness now. It has grown in depth and in conviction without fundamental change.

What occurred in April of that year was a dream, a dream to move me on the path of Taw, the thirty-second path which goes from Malkut of the physical world to Yesod of the dreaming mind. This dream is too long to give here in its entirety, but these excerpts from my diary of 4/17/70 e.v. will show something of it.

I was in this world and I knew of another. A friend had disappeared into that other world. I followed and met a sort of nomadic tribe. The tribe was part of a race which was dominated by another race (like the “Well of the Worlds”, by Kuttner or an episode of Star Trek which I remember) … The elder of the Tribe rested me and applied a thin snake to my joints, saying that the bite of the snake would help, not hurt. I then seemed to see myself playing like a sort of quadruped animal with two members of the Tribe.

…we rode in old cars, and seemed to fear discovery. When the caravan reached the place of access to the caverns of the city of the master race, all the cars were concealed in a deep, overgrown ditch by the road. I lifted the car I was in … into the ditch alone, and I wondered at my strength. … Some of us went to a mound of rock which concealed the elevator to the city. … With a single Tribe member, I entered the elevator. On the back of the elevator was a complex set of directions, a set of control buttons of some sort, an oblong color television screen and a small window which displayed, one at a time, very imperative questions. I started to read the directions, but gave up. I pushed a button and the elevator must have started. The TV began to show guerrilla warfare scenes and the window started to ask questions; I ignored both … .

The elevator stopped and opened. My companion got out, but I saw another elevator which I knew went on from where this one left off. I held the door to the second elevator open and asked whether we should go there or into the passage just to the left. My companion said nothing, so I let the door close and led the way down the passage. I stepped out into a wider transept just as some uninformed men in orange braid on brown uniforms … were walking by (This shows a tendency to drift off the path of Taw and take the path of Shin between Malkut and Hod. Brown applies to Malkut and orange to Hod. The regimentation of the men is fitting for the rational path of Shin.) … The men passed and we went up another passage into a sort of foyer. A dignified couple fell on some wide steps and I helped … them up … . We seemed to be on the highest level of a city of towers and gardens. There was a clear blue sky despite being underground. I walked around a bit … up a short flight of stairs and onto a sort of open veranda. I passed a planted oval which had what looked like a low, … old gray gnarled tree almost hidden in green foliage. I came to a second oval much like the first, but its tree had a longer broken limb which seemed to be more like the arm of an octopus. I had a vision of the limb seizing and crushing the head of my companion. I struck the limb on its broken end, but it did not give – my hand hurt slightly. I then seized the end of the limb in one hand and crushed it like a piece of rotten wood. Two large pieces fell to the veranda. As I turned to walk away, I heard a voice say very clearly; “take the flesh of the diamond tree with you – it's food – it has no bones.” …

There is much more, but that's enough to get the idea. When I dreamed that dream, I had little knowledge of the Tree of Life diagram, yet the dream can be interpreted down to the last detail in terms of that diagram. It is not a difficult thing to do once the diagram is well enough understood; this dream fits easily.

I continued to grow slowly and experienced many other things of this sort and some things more bazaar.

In September of that same year, I made a study of the “Ritual of the Lesser Pentagram” from the writings of people who where associated in one way or another with the Order of the Golden Dawn, an occult organization founded in the 1880's. The Order of the Golden Dawn has fallen into ruin, and emerged again. Its teachings and its off-shoots involve the most active and workable areas of modern occultism. Aleister Crowley, Paul Foster Case, Dion Fortune, Israel Regardie, and many others derive many of their theories and practices from this organization. My own efforts are based upon the efforts of these people.

The Pentagram Ritual was the first formal magical ritual that I mastered aside from the magical rituals of Roman Catholicism, my earlier religion. The Ritual of the Lesser Pentagram trains the mind and body in the essential practices of ceremonial magick. I have placed a detailed description of this ritual together with other related material in an appendix of this book. Anyone who wishes to repeat my experiments may use the ritual as it appears in the appendix or refer to several other versions of the ritual to be found in the books listed there. The Pentagram Ritual has a dual function. It may be used to banish or to invoke elemental force. This ritual is first learned with the banishing pentagram of Earth. Later the invoking pentagram of Earth and other elemental pentagrams are introduced. The banishing form of the ritual is used to obtain freedom from distractions and obsessions and to prepare for other magical work. The Invoking form of the ritual is used to obtain elemental force for magick and meditation. The pentagram of Earth can send people and things away or bring them near. The Pentagram of Water can send or summon emotions. The pentagram of Air can send or summon life. The pentagram of Fire sends or summons intelligence. In addition to these attributions, other properties of the elements are associated with these pentagrams. For instance, the pentagram of fire effects physical fire as well as the lofty fire of thought. To learn this ritual and practice it thoroughly is to embark on the journey of a magician.

The pentagrams also function in relationship to the Tree of Life. The pentagram of Earth is proper to number 10, called Malkut or the Kingdom. That of Air is proper to Yesod, the Foundation, number 9. The pentagram of Water especially acts in Hod, Splendor, number 8. The Pentagram of Fire is potent in Netzach, Victory Through Endurance, number 7. It is fitting to begin with the pentagram of Earth, owing to its attribution to Malkut and the physical world. The other pentagrams are not easily controlled until consciousness has been awakened in their respective Sephiroth (Yesod, dream or fantasy awareness; Hod, rational or empirical awareness; Netzach, emotional or feeling awareness.). I began to practice this ritual in earnest soon after studying it. My diary records an early experience.

I did the following (2:30 AM to 3:30AM):

One banishing lesser pentagram ritual.
One invoking lesser pentagram ritual.
Meditation at desk.

No clear images, but notable feelings of strong concentration. Much vision of flaming clouds, vapors, etc. when eyes were opened. General tendency of motion upward in these clouds with a rate of about one to one and a half inches per second. Seemed to come from a region before me and from my hands – also solar plexus. General after effects: improved vision, etc. Did try to return Astral Body to physical one – caused rapid awakening to physical plane. No clear separation or realization of Astral Body noted.

Later that same day, I indulged in this bit of philosophy, perhaps partly because of the effects of the ritual:

He who speaks too early of the world as “Maya” or illusion should be more careful. The entire world of the senses is often a sort of illusion; but, not because of that, nonexistent. If I walk in front of a fast moving car, something will indeed happen to me. A fly doubtless doesn't see or perceive the impact of a fly swatter in the same way a man perceives the impact of a car, but the result is in both cases death. No matter where your soul is, unless it can build up a body from scratch, you have no more chance with that car than a fly has with a fly swatter. Doubtless death is not the simple thing it seems to be on the physical plane, but that doesn't make it nonexistent. A hurt hurts and a pain pains regardless of how or even whether or not it is noticed. The appearance is illusion, but there is a face behind each mask. It is the purpose of the mystic and the seeker after knowledge to unmask the many faces of reality, not to deny that there is some reality connected with what is seen. By the simple process of continued stripping of one mask after another, a point is eventually reached where all faces seem to be the same; or there seems to be no face at all. The latter is rooted in that greatest of follies, the denial of one's own existence. The former is material for pleasure or meditation, but signals the need for a new beginning and a new unmasking rather than the end of thought.

One must not forget that the experience of the Oneness of the All is often only a denial of the Difference of the Many, and not anything more or less than that. It is a mental action in the first instance, not an observation.

All this is quite a different thing from that state of meditation which transcends unity and difference and experiences all things in all places at one time.

I have come to realize that such philosophical bits and pieces come from some higher mental state.

They are communications, not speculations. Some part of myself knows something and takes any means open to it to communicate that something to the rest of me. These communications may come in dreams, physical happenings or, as here, philosophizings. After the passage of much time, the character of these communications has changed. I find myself writing instructions to myself without being fully aware of the act or of the intent. Messages of this sort have been described as specimens of the “Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel.” Others have spoken of such things as these when they referred to the “Star Demon within man.” The philosophical message just recounted helped fill a need to understand Malkut in its relationship to other states of consciousness.

Two more dreams will illustrate early experiences of the path from Malkut to Yesod.

9/13/70 e.v.

Last night I dreamed of assisting my mother at a birth. The baby caused no pain and could rest in the palm of my hand. This seems to represent the common child of the Shechinah and my paternal soul. The conjunctive birth is of a new soul and may represent the Neshamah. This follows the days of my preparing the study of the Tarot. Earlier in the same dream, or in one just before it, I saw myself sitting with my father and mother before a fire in which burned three pieces of wood. One of the sticks hissed dangerously and the sound of hissing began increasing. It was said that the stick must be taken out to protect those who were in the room. After a few seconds my mother removed the stick and tossed it out the front door and into the drive-way. The burning stick then exploded with a great detonation, radial shower of sparks, and extremely bright illumination. The stick had come from the left in the fire.

This dream contained a clue to my difficulties in advancing, a clue that I overlooked to great disadvantage for several years. I had allowed too much attention to those things represented by the left-hand side of the Tree of Life (the side of reason and order). This caused a serious imbalance toward the rational in my thoughts and behavior. Reason is not all. To reason exclusively is to cut away the heart of things. Reason is a fire that burns all to ash. Emotion is a great sea that drowns all else. Better to blend both than to die by fire or by water. This I have learned through much inner torment. That torment is illustrated by the Tarot Key of the Tower and by the path of Peh (path number 27) between Hod and Netzach on the Tree of Life.

I'm getting a bit ahead of my story, these realizations were not fully felt until much later. Here's the other dream. It illustrates a function of the Pentagram ritual.

9/16/70 e.v.

Last night I dreamed of a visitation.

I went to bed after a banishing pentagram ritual.

At a point some few minutes after lying down, and after I had expressed a wish to experience a dream of Tipheret, I suddenly sensed a face looking over my shoulder. The impression of a person being present was very distinct and slightly disturbing. I turned, as one does, and saw nothing (the face seemed to come from the North, over my back and left side, near my shoulder.). I mused that the impression must be like that experience typically when one gets results in an experiment of evocation. Some time later I fell asleep.

The hours of sleep wore on and I came to dream. I dreamed of a stern woman with dark hair and of a height not notably inferior to my own. She seemed to stand close before me. I stood also. There was an impression of menace. I fumbled in my dream through some of the ritual of the Pentagram before her, and she receded very slightly. I carefully and quickly traced the Pentagram of YHVH before the woman and spoke the names of the four letters. … slight recession of the image. I then willed the image to dissolve (as suggested in Israel Regardie's “Golden Dawn” for this ritual). With some considerable effort, the figure dissolved. I later awoke in some emotional distress.

Here is another communication of the philosophical sort:

9/25/70 e.v.

People act magically when they act in awareness of the unity of the Universe and Self. When one so acts, he appears “more real” to himself and to others – especially to those to whom he speaks without concealment.

Both Christ and Hitler seem to have been intensely magical people in this last sense.

When one is chiefly aware of means which others consider in their hearts to be good, others think him good.

When one is chiefly aware of means which others consider in their hearts to be evil or wrong, others think him evil or wrong.

When one thinks of most of his means as good but others do not, he should act with caution and inspect others' motives and means.

When one thinks of most of his means as evil or wrong he is insane. He should seek help or kill himself. He should try for many years with many people to help himself before the second method of correction be employed. He should be especially careful of exaggeration as to the evils of some few of his means.

He who thinks of most of his means as good is imbalanced.

He who thinks of most of his means as evil is imbalanced.

He who does not understand that some of his means are good and some are evil is God, the Fool.

He has transcended sanity; and, although the term “Unsane” is better, most would think him mad.

Such a one is not he who “Proves” his indifference to good and evil by wanton murder.

These musings aided me to settle in my mind some questions concerning right and wrong.

We now jump some months ahead and take up another dream. This one continues the exploration of the path between Malkut and Yesod with some complex variations.

1/14/71 e.v.

I am returning home after a pleasant interlude with friends and family. Coming up the back way, we enter the yard via the gate near the garage, in the boardwall. The garden and back yard are over-run with dangerous animals. I see a lion (or other large tawny cat), a black panther, and other beasts including dogs. There are unruly people with the animals (circus roustabouts?). I try to send these beings away, but to no avail. I enter the house by the back door, taking with me a friend. Inside the house, intending to restore control, I tell my friend to come with me to “communications central” – which seems to be a sort of over-world in which I have absolute power. The house is vast, out of all proportion to reality. We enter a room in which are stacked lockers. I pull one aside, and we enter the space beyond. A room filled with business machines or card punches is beyond our position. No one is within. I do something, or will something. The walls of the room suddenly are made of close fitting bricks, moving downward, as we are moving upward (yet there is an impression of the house having no upper floor). The motion stops and we walk out to a path paved in curiously colored and luminous flagstones (curving slightly, with the colored stones all in one small section). There is an entrance procedure. I press certain flagstones to identify both my friend and myself. This done, we pass within. The inner world is very bright, clean, neat, industrious and busy. Many people are pursuing many tasks. In spite of the elevator going up, the entire place seems to be in some vast space under the surface. Suddenly one of the unruly people comes up behind us. He has followed from the surface despite the safeguards. I condemn him to be removed and turn away. He utters words of hopeless protest and fear, but I will see him in that place no more.

I and my friend wander about. The place doesn't seem quite the com. center I was looking for. We walk a bit and enter a dress shop. There are two full length mirror-doors within. I open one to show that it contains only cast-off rags, etc. I tell my silent friend to open the second, knowing that it is a door to a hidden place. He (the friend) does nothing. I open the door and we enter a sort of machine chamber in which lies a great blob of machinery. It is shaped like a human heart lying on its side, with the big end near us and the smaller end farther to the right. At the far right stands a workman. There is a steady but thin discharge of electricity about six feet or so long, coming from the left and striking an electrode on the upper left part of the machine. I wish to go past to the smaller end and beyond, but the spark of electricity is too close to the path. After a brief pause, a midget with large elfin ears comes in via the mirror door, passes us, and walks up toward the smaller end of the machine. He is too short to fear the spark.

This dream symbolically repeats warnings about being too rational and being too restrictive. The dream is also prophetic. I am now surrounded by the “disorderly people” that I repudiated in the dream. These have become my brothers and sisters instead of the undesirables in the dream, while the animals have turned up as pet cats. This dream told me to change my standards and to realize that I had been wrong to deny the better part of my life. I could not progress until I became one of these “freaks” and accepted that they were not freaks at all. This realization took months to reach consciously, but I began to move toward it at once.

I continued to study things occult:

1/16/71 e.v.

Some notes on Keys 0, 1 and 2 of the Tarot (BOTA version):

When coloring these Keys, the most difficult and time consuming (therefore most obstructing) parts are those having the greatest complexity of small detail in alternating colors.

These are:

  1. The outer garb of the Fool.
  2. The framing rose arbor of the Magician.
  3. The temple curtain of the High Priestess.

The following ideas are thereby suggested:

  1. The crowning fault of mercy is the allowance of interfering states to get as close as they wish.
  2. The crowning fault of severity is to hold interference off by main strength.
  3. The crowning fault of balance is to view interference as a distinct and simple obstruction.

These faults are countered thusly:

  1. Ignore the interference.
  2. Rend the interference to shreds.
  3. Find truth in the sphere of interference.

As a single course of action:

  1. Perceive interference.
  2. Conquer interference.
  3. Forget interference.

Here's another diary entry about Tarot, dated 2/13/71:

The Magician stands tall and firm in his garden. Lo, a change! The Red Robe falls to the garden floor. It moves, changes, becomes a Great Red Lion. The roses below entwine with the Kundalini serpent and chain the man and the beast. The roses are as twelve passions to master the rage of the Lion. White lilies, are you teeth? Are you claws, O'h elementals? But the Man is Woman as his inner humility makes humble the Raging Beast. And the garden that hung above descends to crown the Woman within. The Jaws of roses and Lilies have closed to open the Jaws of the Beast.“ — the cards of the Magician and Strength.

This next speculation comes from the same entry in my diary. It relates the three mother letters of the Hebrew Alphabet to the Major cards of the Tarot. These three mother letters are:

Aleph, A, corresponding to the element Air.
Mem, M, corresponding to the element Water.
Shin, Sh, corresponding to the element Fire.

These speculations were made using the BOTA deck.

“More on the Three Mothers:

0. The Fool is crowned by Air (his head in the clouds of heaven) — Aleph, A.
His center is water (where is Kundalini?) — Mem, M.
Beneath him and about his legs burns fire (He stands on Kundalini!) — Shin, Sh.

1. The Magician's Head swims in the waters (can this be Binah's crown — the great sea elevated?) — Mem, M.
His body burns with fire (Kundalini is rampant and self-feeding about him) — Shin, Sh.
At his feet the air lingers to receive his fiery blast (roses and lilies await) — Aleph, A.

2. High Priestess with her flaming crown (fire among palms and pommegranets) — Shin, Sh.
Air stirs about her waist (holding many secrets) — Aleph, A.
Waters flow from her hem (conscious life-stream pours) — Mem, M.

3. Empress, Air stirs in thee to bear thy seeds to the harvest — Aleph, A.

4. Emperor, Water finds its channel by thy will — Mem, M.

5. Hierophant, Fire comes forth from thy words — Shin, Sh.

6. Lovers, Water flows from on high through you in two streams — does not one seek union with the other? — Mem, M.

7. Chariot, Fire burns brightly as thy conquering force — Shin, Sh.

8. Strength, passive Air is made so by conjoined woman and beast — Aleph, A.

9. Hermit, bright burns thy lamp to show the way (triple- flamed one, Fire in lamp, staff and man) — Shin, Sh.

10. Wheel of Fortune, spin in Air, crossed by the four quarters — Aleph, A.

11. Justice, let Waters of harmony balance thee — Mem, M.

12. Hanged Man, you are suspended by the cross of the world in the Air of sanctity — Aleph, A.

13. Death, you trouble the Waters with your reaping — Mem, M.

14. Temperance, you are so harmonious that you are a three-tongued flame of Fire — Shin, Sh.

15. Devil, you are the darkness upon the waters — Mem, M.

16. Tower, you reach too high from too poor a foundation — self-destroying Fire — Shin, Sh.

17. Star, you embody Air — Aleph, A.

18. Moon, your Fire is borrowed — Shin, Sh.

19. Sun, your children dance in Air — Aleph, A.

20. Judgment, your sounding parts the Waters — Mem, M.

21. World — Earth made up of Air, Water and Fire – Aleph, Mem and Shin, AMSh.


[FIGURE #1: place full page illustration of the Three Mother letters and Tarot here]



[FIGURE #2: place full page illustration of the G∴D∴ Tarot attributions on the Tree of Life here]


These attributions of the three Mother Letters and corresponding elements to the twenty-two major cards of the Tarot can be used to study the Tree of Life. In this method; the Fool corresponds to number one, Keter, the Crown. The Magician corresponds to Chokmah, number two, Wisdom. The High Priestess corresponds to Binah, number three, Understanding. The Empress, Emperor and Hierophant correspond to Tipheret, Beauty, number 6 (this is Tipheret raised to the place of Da'at, see Appendix A of this book). The Lovers, the Chariot and Strength correspond to Chesed, Mercy and number four. The Hermit, Wheel of Fortune and Justice correspond to Geburah, Severity and the number five. The Hanged Man, Death and Temperance correspond to Yesod, the Foundation, number nine (raised to the place of Tipheret). The Devil, the Tower and the Star correspond to Netzach, Victory and number seven on the Tree of Life. The Moon, Sun and Judgment correspond to Malkut raised to the place of Yesod.

All this is rather technical, but study will bear fruit. The more usual attribution of these cards is to the paths connecting the ten Sephiroth, rather than to the Sephiroth themselves. The usual attribution is taken from the occult system of the Order of the Golden Dawn and is a very good thing to study along with the system outlined above.

Here is the usual attribution:

Tarot Major: Path on Tree: Hebrew letter:

Fool 11, Keter to Chokmah Aleph, A.

Magician 12, Keter to Binah Bet, B.

High Priestess 13, Keter to Tipheret Gimmel, G.

Empress 14, Chokmah to Binah Dalet, D.

Emperor (alt: Star) 15, Chokmah to Tipheret Heh, H.

Hierophant 16, Chokmah to Chesed Vau, V.

Lovers 17, Binah to Tipheret Zain, Z.

Chariot 18, Binah to Geburah Chet, Ch.

Strength 19, Chesed to Geburah Tet, T.

Hermit 20, Chesed to Tipheret Yod, Y.

Wheel of Fortune 21, Chesed to Netzach Koph, K.

Justice 22, Geburah to Tipheret Lamed, L.

Hanged Man 23, Geburah to Hod Mem, M.

Death 24, Tipheret to Netzach Nun, N.

Temperance 25, Tipheret to Yesod Samekh, S.

Devil 26, Tipheret to Hod Ayin, a'a.

Tower 27, Netzach to Hod Peh, P.

Star (alt: Emperor) 28, Netzach to Yesod Tzaddi, Tz.

Moon 29, Netzach to Malkut Qof, Q.

Sun 30, Hod to Yesod Resh, R.

Judgment 31, Hod to Malkut Shin, Sh.

World 32, Yesod to Malkut Taw, Th.

These matters can best be studied through actual work with the cards. A BOTA deck of Tarot is best for this sort of thing. Additional correspondences to the paths and letters will be found in Appendices A and B.

The next development became a very important step in my growth. Frater Fons Numeris brought to my attention the two hundred and thirty one gates of the “Sepher Yetzirah”. Fr. F.N. and I met at San Francisco State in a class on the history of 15th century magic. We gradually opened up our discoveries to one another and began to share experiments in occultism. This relationship continued until the mid 1970s, and we lived under the same roof. He and I were brothers in a way that transcended our differences. Our differences were great, yet each gave to the other an insight that neither would possess alone. We grew in the strength of our studies. Our brotherhood was a gift from god to aid us both. Seek brothers and sisters in your lives. When they are found, life multiplies its meaning.

The mystery that Frater F. communicated to me was a simple enough thing in itself, but it led to a series of meditations that I have continued to this day; meditations that have meant more to me than any other aid. Much of this book will consist of extracts from those meditations. For now, a brief explanation will be made.

The concept of the gates.

1). the single letters: 22 fundamental symbols which interrelate according to combinations and various theories (such as numeric reduction).

2). the two-letter combinations: 22 duplications of the fundamental (1) symbols and 231 combinations showing simple interrelations between different symbols, taken two at a time.

3). the three-letter combinations: 22 duplications of the fundamental (1) symbols; 462 combinations showing an exaggerated (2:1) bias to one of the two letter symbols in a two letter relationship: and 1540 combinations of three different letters, showing 6 interrelationships (of which half are of one cycle (* # @) and half are of another cycle (@ # *).

9). … 21). in like manner.

22). the 22 letter combinations: 22 duplications of (1); duplications of (2); bias duplications of (3) – any combination of three different letters with arbitrary duplications up to 22 letters in all; … one combination of all 22 different letters.

As to permutations:

1). none possible.

2). each gate has two forms: * # or # *, showing precedence of emanation (involution or evolution.).

3). each triplicity (no duplication) has six forms ( * # @, # @ *, @ * #, @ # *, # * @, * @ #) in two cycles:

the two cycles are often taken as indications of gender:

A M Sh is of the male cycle and A Sh M is of the female cycle. – “Sepher Yetzirah” (AMORC ed.), page 26.

The “Sepher Yetzirah” (page 24) identifies the six permutations of A, M, and Sh with “six rings, or elementary circles, namely, air, water and fire …” and their two additional offspring (the cycles) — each triplicity with one duplication has three forms (* * #, * # *, # * *) and only a single cycle. These reflect the gates of two, with a single element exaggerated, and the ways of examining the effect of the exaggeration. — each triplicity of one letter is incapable of permutation, and is thus a simple expression of (1).

4) … 2) in like manner.

22) as before, but now we have reached the level of complete systems (cube of space, sphere of 22 points; in short, 22-dimensional spaces.) It should be noted that only the sets of all letters identical (equal (1)) are to be found exactly in all 22 scales, or levels, of combinations and permutations. Thus there is no exact counterpart of a form: * # in any of the odd number scales. The form * # @ is not exactly reproducible in the scale of 4: witness YHVH as one counterpart of YHV — there are twenty one others, each having four factorial = twenty four or 4!/2=12 different permutations depending on whether at letter has been duplicated (twelve) or not (twenty four)). These permutations may be viewed as the ordering of elements within a fundamental sphere or sub-universe to produce different effects through their interactions.

The above concepts may be used to order and classify interrelating elements in any system possessing any number of elements — providing that the elements are clearly separable.

In practice, the construction of a system proceeds as follows:

0 The frame beyond understanding.

* The frame of the Absolute

* The start of the frame of evolutions of duality.


* #

# *

* # *

* * #




# * #




* * *

# # #

* * #




to infinity

The frames of the evolutions of triplicity, quadruplicity, etc. each compose an infinite sequence in themselves.

Generally the more elements (letters, pigeon holes, etc.), the easer the classification and the harder the comprehension of the whole system. The less the number of elements used, the easier the comprehension of the system as a whole, but the more difficult the classification or practical use.

Thus, the mundane (practical analysis) tends to prolific systems in terms of the number of symbols; and the divine (synthetic) tends to reduction of number of symbols.

22 symbols make a nice alphabet whereby almost anything may be designated by a reasonably short combination of some or all of the symbols in some distinct order or permutation (a word).

Such an alphabet may be generated on a single system which permits reduction of the complex “words” back to the simple, inter-symbol relationships. Further reductions run any word back, in a series of neat, logical steps, to the synthetic minimal size of the system — or the minimum level for meaning of the word.

Basically, such a system must be made intentionally — an artificial alphabet and language. Mundane usage tends to the proliferation of symbols without unification except on superficial levels.

Whether we consider that God, or some lesser being makes and maintains such a system, or that men devised or synthesized such a system is of no fundamental importance.

Sanskrit was an artificial language composed on principles like the above — although, at this late date, it may never be known how close the composition followed these principles. Greek, Hebrew and other isopsephic languages may be reflections of some very ancient, and highly artificial language system.

That was quite a complex chunk of information from my Holy Guardian Angel. Some day I hope to write it up at greater length and with numerous examples, but this will do to show one extreme of the kind of information that comes from contacting inner and higher consciousness. This theory is behind my meditations, and it may one day come out of my works as a powerful study of systems of thought. That day is far in the future. Now I am simply meditating on the 231 different combinations of two Hebrew Letters. When I have sufficiently mastered these 231 gates of the “Sepher Yetzirah”, I will be able to take on the greater job of digesting and using many other systems. When I can see each system in each of the others I will be able to write my book of systems. The reader is not advised to hold his breath until that comes to pass.

Here's some information about the seven ancient planets, and what they represent. This is an example of another type of communication from the inner mind:

2/19/71 e.v.

Saturn ……………. morbid solemnity.
Jupiter ……………. solemnity and solemn joy.
Mars ……………. sanguine solemnity and joy.
Venus ……………. moderate solemnity and great joy.
Mercury ….. ………. immoderate joy.
Moon ……………. joy and solemnity in the “fey” sense — lunacy at extreme.
Sun ……………. joy and solemnity in balance, always in the sense of rejoicing or of jubilee.
Earth ……………. all grades compounded.

Of laughter, there are several sorts:

hysteric, Mercury ……………… to be avoided — the alarm bell.
in disgust, Saturn ……………. to be avoided — a door slammed shut.
depreciative, Venus, Mars, Jupiter …….. a valid counterweight to solemnity, tipping it only slightly.
appreciative, Venus, Mars, Jupiter ……. (Same as depreciative laughter).
battle, Mars ………………. in heat of deeds — mark of intense involvement.
loving, Venus ………………. in joy of union — or discovery of union.
spontaneous, Jupiter ………….. hearty and easy — ease of soul.
mad, Moon …………………. lunacy — Ophielia's bane.
delighting, Sun……………. from discovery of beauty — bathing in light.

Of solemnity, there are several sorts:

stunned silence, Mercury ………. thoughts frozen — overload
morbid, Saturn ………………. death-bound — the shut door
depreciative, Venus, Mars, Jupiter ……. as for laughter
appreciative, Venus, Mars, Jupiter ……. as for laughter
battle, Mars ………………. as for laughter
loving, Venus ………………. as for laughter
fixed, Jupiter ……………….. native to the soul — natural and free
pompous, Moon ……………… lunacy
delighting, Sun …………… as for laughter.

As may be seen, I deem that laughter and solemnity are opposites. The one is noisy, the other is quiet. Both are equally disposed to serious or frivolous exhibition. Solemnity ponders, laughter prods. Solemnity declares, laughter shares. Solemnity judges, laughter accepts. Solemnity goes inward, laughter burst out. Solemnity is old, laughter is young. Solemnity is female, laughter is male.

These bits of information came to me at a time when I needed to understand my cycles of manic-depression. I learned that there was no need to become alarmed at their counterchanges. This enabled me to relax and freed me from being trapped in either state. Happiness and sadness are two flavors in life; they are best mixed. Too much sadness leads to death. Too much happiness leads to sadness. Yet there is a place that is beyond both, as daylight is beyond twilight. To climb the Tree of Life is to seek the place beyond such changes. Once there, the mind can experience emotion as a musician experiences music. Some emotions are to be experienced from the works of others (shared, actually, a becoming one with others). Some are to be created and unfolded by oneself.

Sometimes communications take the form of physical happenings. These can be frightening, but they are acts of love from the physical world toward the mental one. As such they sometimes startle and sometimes provoke to laughter, but they are as the mock-fighting that takes place between children and adults. Sometimes accidents can happen and pain results, but the whole is a thing of play between the universe and oneself. Such magical events can be invited, with caution. The physical universe means well but can sometimes be a little too rough. The next excerpt from my diary illustrates a very mild bit of rough play.

2/21/71 e.v.

I made my first trial of Case's method of divination. Among other things, I learned of some psychic manifestations to come, of the spiritualistic sort.

This afternoon I sat at my desk pondering matters. I was considering the gematria for the “Secret” word of the Briatic world. Thinking that the word was either SG or SV, I was dismayed to realize that the reduced total was not right (ok for SG = 60 + 3 = 9 by reduction, but this didn't agree with my previous work … I later discovered that I had read Sh for S earlier). As I pondered this matter, the hanger of my Tree of Life chart broke and sent the framed chart crashing to the floor. The cover glass was cracked across. The crack started on the path of V (between Chokmah and Chesed) and ended in that of Sh (between Hod and Malkut). ShV = 9 (by reduction). This is the same spelling that I had substituted for Mathers' expression earlier, and had forgotten. I conclude that the true Briatic name is ShG, but that ShV may be a male alternative to a female proper.

That sort of happening, in which a physical event will occur that matches a current thought, is one form of the kind of play that the physical world has with the mental. There are many other types of experience that bridge the gap from matter to mind. A very strange one follows:

Sometime in 1970, perhaps in the last quarter of that year, I performed an experiment in old-style ceremonial magic. This was the summoning of a “devil” by the practice of Goetic magic. Perhaps this was unwise in that it endangered a human life — without intention, but the danger seemed real enough. The whole experience is quite a thing to remember. I knew what I was doing in theory and was safe because of that. The fellow who suggested the thing in the first place didn't know what he was in for, and he suffered some rather drastic psycho-physical changes as a result. The books I used were not very reliable, the methods incomplete and myself not sufficiently trained to perform the full evocation. None-the-less, some results were obtained; too many and too much for my accomplice. I could say that the fellow had it coming, but I should have been more careful to see if he knew his business. The whole thing would have gone well enough if he hadn't ignored the simplest of precautions. Be that as it may, I will first express my own understanding of this sort of Goetic practice and then narrate the episode.

There are many dark and destructive impulses in the depths of the human mind. Such impulses can dominate the consciousness and can penetrate a whole personality. When the personality is ruled by such downward tending impulses, the person is insane and may be said to be “possessed by a demon or devil.” This “possession” is actually a psychological state and not a seizing of the mind by some external being. The effect often is such that there seems to be a distinct and evil personality in control of an otherwise normal mind. This effect has let people to assume that such things as demons and devils can push out the rightful dweller in a human body. Such demons and devils are actually personified impulses and thoughts of an incomplete and destructive nature. When this sort of demon is properly summoned into manifestation, one of these thoughts is given a limited and definite place to exist for a limited and definite time. The thought is given form in the imagination, sometimes hallucinated as a separate physical being, and dealt with conversationally. By this rather strange means, it is often possible to objectively consider and master defects and weaknesses of the spirit.

Great care must be taken to limit the actions of the demon so that “possession” or obsession does not occur. There are elaborate symbolic actions and settings involved with the formal ritual evocation of such demons. When these practices are followed, the rules must be carefully observed. Perhaps there are such things as separately existing demons, devils and angels; but, if they do exist independently from the minds of those who deal with them, that existence is a very special one. Such astral beings are pure spirit and cannot effect matter without the aid of something that is partly spirit and partly matter. The human being is both spirit and matter and can act as a go-between for such beings and the physical world. The only way a pure spirit can contact a human being is through the mind of that human. This takes place only when there is some thought in that human mind which resembles the nature of the pure spirit. Such spirits are nothing more or less than thoughts, self-existent thoughts perhaps, but thoughts and nothing more. For example, to summon a demon of concupiscence it is first necessary to have a concupiscent thought. That thought may then be elaborated into a thinking structure much like a personality. When the structure is complete enough, the demon of concupiscence is present. Pure spirits have no proper locations except where they contact a semi-material being. Such spirits are not subject in themselves to time or division. It may be possible that spirits can persist after the death of the human responsible for their physical effects, and this is one explanation behind stories of ghosts. Such an extended effect is at most a weak thing. A disembodied spirit would require the aid of other semi-material minds to remain in the time an space world. A human mind can always undo what a human mind has done. The dangers from such phenomena stem largely from ignorance and panic, two of the most terrible demons ever to afflict humanity. The actual word “demon” may signify a beneficial spirit as well as a harmful one. The “Personal Demon,” “Star Demon,” “Holy Guardian Angel,” “Higher Self,” etc. is the best and most beneficial of these personified thoughts. Many human minds long for a personal god, not the great vague thing that is the subject of most organized religion, but a little god that lives within. Such a god can be found.

The process of obtaining a personal god is often the whole aim of a religion. Most major religions are directed toward people who don't need or want such a thing as a little, inward god; but many of the mystery, occult and third world religions are just there to help provide a god or goddess to those who want to find one. The Qabalists sometimes call such a god or goddess Shechinah, and theorize a direct relationship to the Great God. The Shechinah is traditionally female, but it should perhaps be generalized as having the opposite sex from the human to whom the Shechinah is attached. This is a good idea for those who wish to obtain such an inward god. Personal gods tend to have sexual characteristics anyway, so it's a good idea to line up a personal god having sex opposite to your own.

When the god and the human have opposite sexes, life is much less lonely. When people make love, their little gods make love. Such a love making is useful for sexual magick. There isn't any real dividing line between personal gods of different people. There isn't any real dividing line between a human being and the personal god of that human being. People can become one with each other through their personal gods more fully than in any other way. When personal gods can relate with oneanother, any human sharing becomes a loving union.

Back to the demonic evocation.

When C. and I first met, it was over a glass of wine in C's apartment. He and his wife occupied the apartment over mine for several months during the years I lived in Oakland. C's wife was celebrating her birthday, and she had invited me to the occasion. I had not met her husband before, but the fact that their bedroom was directly above my own made for much of an introduction, at least of them to me. Long nights of words and noises had filtered down, and I formed a conception about these neighbors. Their life was complex in matters of love and trust, filled with inconsistencies. Still, direct impressions often are more trustworthy. I was pleased to meet C.

C. and I talked a bit about several things until the conversation gradually shifted toward science fiction and things occult. C. remarked proudly that he had managed to get a science fiction story published. We discussed that a bit; and, when the conversation lagged, I thought to pick it up with a few remarks about my occult interests. The wine was pleasant and slightly dulling to wits and judgments. When I mentioned that I possessed several rituals used in the Middle Ages and Renaissance for summoning the “Devil,” C. immediately became alert. He suddenly suggested that we try one. This startled me; but to save face and owing to the persuasion of the wine, I slowly agreed. It would not be possible to do a full job of it on such short notice, I told him; but we could give it a try. I reasoned that the demons were only facets of the self, and that no possible harm could come to me through such an experiment. I was more than half convinced that C. was just playing a rather nasty joke anyway, not really serious about his suggestion. That may have been the case at the start, but not at the finish of the evening. C. got burned, but good! I should have pressed the point of his motives a bit more closely.

We adjourned to my apartment.

Once in my apartment, I quickly assembled the necessary props and references. For my ritual I used A.E.Waite's “Black Magic and Pacts” (a stupidly blinded book) and Richard Cavendish's “The Black Arts” (a useful introduction to many branches of occultism). I took an old robe with a black lining and reversed it to become my magical robe. For a sword, I was better supplied. I had an old masonic sword, quite elaborate and magical looking. This sword had a short silver chain attached from guard to pommel. Where the chain joined the pommel, a small silver ring formed the last link, This sword and chain shall feature in what follows. There was a fireplace with wooden mantle in the West wall of the room. The flue had long ago been closed and an electric heater filled the entire hearth opening. We placed our half empty glasses on the mantle and set to work.

I showed C. the preparations and schooled him briefly in the basics of the ritual. We took up a stand in the center of the room, facing East. I passed the sword slowly about us both, defining the magical circle of protection. I then moved the sword about in the space inside the circle more or less duplicating the design for a magical circle shown on page 238 of Cavendish's book. We then went through the lesser pentagram banishment together and began the ritual evocation. The conjuration actually used is to be found on pages 241 and 242 of Waite's book. It runs as follows:

“I, (name of practitioner), do conjure thee, O Spirit (name of Spirit), by the living God, by the true God, by the holy and all-ruling God, who created from nothingness the heaven, the earth, the sea, and all things that are therein, in virtue of the Most Holy Sacrament of the Eucharist, in the name of Jesus Christ, and by the power of this same Almighty Son of God, who for us and for our redemption was crucified, suffered death, and was buried; who rose again on the third day, and is now seated on the right hand of the Creator of the whole world, from whence he will come to judge the living and the dead; as also by the precious love of the Holy Spirit, perfect Trinity. I conjure thee within the circle, (not a wise choice of words, it turned out) accursed one, by thy judgment, who didst dare to tempt God: I exorcise thee, Serpent, and I command thee to appear forthwith under a beautiful and well favored human form of soul and body, and to fulfill my behests without any deceit whatsoever, as also without mental reservation of any kind, by the great Names of the God of gods and Lord of Lords, ADONAY, TETRAGRAMMATON, JEHOVA, TETRAGRAMMATON, ADONAY, JEHOVAH, OTHEOS, JEHOVA, OTHEOS, ATHANATOR, 'a Liciat' TETRAGRAMMATON, SADAY, SADAY, SADAY, ISCHYROS, ATHAMATOR, SADY, SADY, SADY, CADOS, CADOS, CADOS, ELOY, AGLA, AGLA, AGLA, ADONAY, ADONAY. I conjure thee, Evil and Accursed Serpent (name of Spirit), to appear at my will and pleasure, in this place, before this circle, without tarrying, without companions, without grievance, without noise, deformity, or murmuring. I exorcise thee by the ineffable names of God, to wit, Gog and Magog, which I am unworthy to pronounce; Come hither, Come hither, Come hither. Accomplish my will and desire, without wile or falsehood. Otherwise St.Michael, the invisible Archangel, shall presently blast thee in the utmost depths of hell. Come then, (name of Spirit), to do my will.”

This conjuration is in many ways poorly written. Still it was enough to waken the inner deeps of the mind of C. In fact, it produced a few external results.

Immediately after we read the conjuration, a loud and steady buzzing sound issued from the closed up fireplace behind us. The sound persisted for several minutes and resembled the buzzing of a large horse fly trapped behind the grate. The sound had not been heard in that place before and it never occurred again. No material cause ever presented itself, but it is possible that something physical could have caused it. I chose to interpret this sound as a warning from the demon Baalzebub, demon “Lord of Flys.” The sound had come from the West while we were facing East. Even as the East is the direction of the rising Sun, it is said in Christian mysticism (note that the conjuration used here was at least partly Christian in form) that Christ shall come from the East on Judgment day and that the devils shall fly with the souls of the damned toward the West, where the Sun sets. Accordingly, I suggested that we should face the West when summoning devils by this formula. We faced West and pronounced the following “discharge,” also found in Waite's book, page 243:

“Go in peace unto your places. May there be peace between us and You, and be ye ready to come when ye are called. In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.”

We then resumed our preparations, repeated the conjuration and sought for results. This procedure was followed many times during the night and into the early morning hours. We called in turn upon two “devils,” Belial and Asmoday, and used the information and seals presented by Waite in “Black Magic and Pacts.”

On page 175:

[FIGURE #3:]

[place illustration of the sigilum of Asmoday here.]

“Asmoday, a strong and powerful king, appears with three heads, the first like a bull, the second like a man, and the third like a ram. He has a serpent's tail, the webbed feet of a goose, and he vomits fire. He rides an infernal dragon, carries lance and pennon, and is the chief of the power of Amaymon. He must be invoked bareheaded, for otherwise he will deceive. He gives the ring of virtues, teaches arithmetic, geomancy, and all handicrafts, answers all questions, makes men invisible, indicates the places of concealed treasures and guards them if within the dominion of Amaymon.”

On page 187:

[FIGURE #4:]

[place illustration of the sigilum of Belial here.]

“Belial, a mighty king created next after Lucifer, appears in the form of a beautiful angel seated in a chariot of fire, and speaking with a pleasant voice. He fell first amongst the superior angels who went before Michael and other heavenly angels. He distributes preferences of senatorships, causes favors of friends and foes, and gives excellent familiars. He must have offerings and sacrifices made to him.

I now know a great deal about such “devils” that I did not know then. If I were to call upon them today, it would be to learn the particular lesson of their corruption. That information is concealed in the Hebrew spelling of their names and can be read with some ease. In a later part of this work, I will show how such information is obtained. When rightly studied, these demonic names are found to be formulas of great value. The letters of the names may be used to analyze the fault personified by the demon and to learn how to avoid it. The proper use of these demons involves setting them up as guards against their particular vice or failing. The things a demon is said to teach are best mastered through dominating the demon, discovering the error personified by the demon and becoming free from it. There are other uses, but they relate to this one.

The forms of the seals are important too, but the poor state of preservation of such things makes them much more difficult to analyze.

To return to the events of that night and morning:

As we multiplied our conjurations, I grew gradually weary of the whole process. Nothing much happened beyond an occasional movement of a curtain or an odd sound from outside. Things were different for C. As I grew more bored, he grew more tense. Sweat broke out on his brow and his body gradually became more rigid. His breathing became by slow degrees more audible and forced. He had the sword when he did a very foolish thing.

We had just finished the conjuration of Asmoday and were waiting for the usual flop when he suddenly thrust the hilt beyond the circle and said: “I offer you the magic sword if your appear!”

I uttered a warning, but it was too late. He had broken the circle with the chief instrument of protection. Nothing happened then beyond a minor mishap, but he paid for his indiscretion later.

When he passed the sword hilt beyond the circle, the chain from guard to pommel fell free of the pommel. After giving the discharge, we tried to rejoin the chain to the pommel, but the silver ring that formed the link was nowhere to be found. I reasoned that it had probably caught in his clothing when he thrust the hilt forward and that it must have fallen off. We continued.

After that I became a bit more concerned about C's reactions. What he did was harmless as physical actions go; but, in the symbolic setting of the ritual, it was far from harmless. To formally give up protection in the evocation of a harmful spirit is to ask that spirit to obsess yourself. Even if the ritual is a psychological game, that is a very odd thing to do. I resolved the participate in only one more evocation and then to stop.

The next evocation proceeded as did the others. No trouble and no result. After it I told C. that I was growing tired (the dawn was breaking) and that I wished to cease the conjurations. He pleaded with me to do one more. I refused to help, but agreed that he could do it alone if he wished. At first he protested that I would be outside the circle and in danger. To quiet him, I showed him a large crucifix with a death's head at the base. This, I said, would be protection enough. He agreed. I seated myself at some distance from his workings. From my new position, I was able to get a better look at him. What I saw distressed me. He looked like a man intoxicated with fear. His clothes were wet with sweat, and he had a wild look. I began to have misgivings about the whole thing. Yet he had begun, and I though it best not to interrupt him.

He quickly rushed through the conjuration. When he had finished it, he stood for a moment with the book open at his feet. Suddenly he dropped to his knees and said in a clear voice; “Come and take me! You can have my soul if you appear!”

That was a stupid thing to do!

He immediately slumped forward on his knees at an unnatural angle, and began the recitation of the discharge. When he had finished, he lowered himself closer to the Waite book, which was open to the seal of Asmoday; and he said; “I don't want to go. Don't send me away.” He then froze in that position with all his muscles rigid.

The first think that crossed my mind was; “What am I going to do with the body?” — I was a great deal less charitable in those days. As it turned out, burial wasn't necessary.

Taking the initiative (C. seemed unable to do much), I went up to him and held the cross between his eyes and the book. I then raised the cross to touch his forehead. At that point he uttered an enormous sigh and relaxed.

C. retrieved a wine glass from the mantle and went to my couch to sit down. Between sips of the wine he was telling me how harrowing his experience had been, when suddenly he uttered an inarticulate sound and stared at his glass.

I was beginning to think; “Here we go again.” When he rose and brought the glass over to me, asking; “Do you see that? Do you see that? …”

I took the glass from his trembling fingers and inspected it. After a moment I saw on the bottom, beneath an inch or so of red wine, the silver ring that had fallen from the sword.

Thinking that he wasn't ready for another such shock, I quickly drank the rest of the wine to show him that he hadn't endangered himself that way. How did the link reach the glass? It would have had to travel an almost impossible path from the place where the chain broke free to the tiny opening of the glass on the mantle three feet above. Perhaps C. had held the thing in his hand and introduced it into the glass himself. I don't know. If he did it himself, he couldn't have been fully conscious of it.

He was genuinely disturbed.

When C. recovered enough to leave, he insisted on taking the sword up to bed with him as a protection against — what? Later, as I lay in my bed, I heard gasping from the room above, like the sounds made by a person dying of a heart attack.

C. recovered, and showed further interest in things magical. He even asked if we could do something like that again. I evaded the question.

The last I heard of him, he had become a Jesus Freak of sorts, enlisted in the Armed Services without pressure from the draft and had developed a neurotic fear of the honking of geese. All in all, I would say that he got off very easily.

The whole episode may be interpreted as a lesson in applied psychology from my own little, inward god to me. As for C., his inward god seems to need heavy handed tactics to teach him lessons.

I hope he learns how to live more gently in the future, but I have my doubts.

Remember that all this took place under the influence of Malkut, the tenth Sephira of the Tree of Life. That influence includes the dark world of the Qliphoth Demons, such as the two mentioned above. We are all subject to such influences as long as we remain only conscious of Malkut. There are holy and wonderful things in this place of all beginnings in the Earth, but there are dark things as well.

Here is a philosophical problem:

4/4/71 e.v.

The ultimate matter to be resolved is the problem of the many and the one. How can the one be the many? How can the many be the one? If the one and the many are the same thing, they are the one. If the one and the many are not the same, they are the many. In both cases they are the same and not the same.

When one comes to a paradox, one has asked an unreal question.

Clearly the many are illusion and the one is actuality. But why and how can I perceive the illusion?

If I reason that perception of multiplicity results from being only a small part of things, I defeat the whole question in a stupid set of tail chasings — I answer nothing.

Maybe God has the hives!

This problem is essentially one of comparison between Keter, the first Sephiroth, and Malkut, the tenth. The problem is solved by invoking the number zero, Ain.

4/9/71 e.v.

Ain surpasses the problem of the one and the many. Ain (in the simple sense, not the three-fold sense) is that summation of the All which cannot be pinned down. In Ain there can be no unity and no disunity.

Keter is the first manifestation. Keter is unity. Keter is the most pure form of definition. Keter is the ultimate seed of division. Unity is the tacit recognition of the possibility of disunity.

Chokmah is the second manifestation. Chokmah is duality. Chokmah is the seed of relationship between parts. Duality is the tacit recognition of the possibility of interrelationships.

Binah is the third manifestation. Binah is reunification through interrelationships. Binah is thus the seed of duplication or reflection — this follows from the duplication of the unity of Keter. The dialectic is the tacit recognition of duplication.

The second Triad is the reflection of the first. The second Triad thus corresponds to Chokmah while the first Triad corresponds to Keter. The Third Triad corresponds to Binah, and it is a manifestation of the reunificative properties of that Sephira. Malkut is the reflection of of the entire Tree of Life into a unity. Malkut is the seed of seeds. Malkut is the beginning of the Trees from the Tree. Thus Malkut is the unity which is many. Thus Malkut is the manifestation of Ain. Thus Malkut IS AIN, for of Ain there can be no division, no replication, no partial representation.

[FIGURE #5:]

* *
* * *
* * * *


[FIGURE #6: Place full page illustration of the Tree of Life with markings showing the tree triads here]


Now begins a great labor that continues to the present day. I had been thinking about the two hundred and thirty one gates ever since Fr. Fons Numeris brought them to my attention. These combinations of Hebrew letters seemed to me to be the fit subject of meditation that I needed to fully enter into the Great Work. Accordingly, I started a series of meditations on these pairs of letters. This point marks my coming of age in the magical world. I set firm foot on the path of Taw, the path from Malkut to Yesod.

This is the record of that beginning:

The Two Hundred and Thirty One Gates:


Aa'a Ba'a Ga'a Da'a Ha'a Va'a Za'a Cha'a Ta'a Ya'a Ka'a La'a Ma'a Na'a Sa'a
ATz BTz GTz DTz HTz VTz ZTz ChTz TTz YTz KTz LTz MTz NTz STza'aTz PTz
ASh BSh GSh DSh HSh VSh ZSh ChSh TSh YSh KSh LSh MSh NSh SSh a'aSh PSh TzSh QSh RSh
ATh BTh GTh DTh HTh VTh ZTh ChTh TTh YTh KTh LTh MTh NTh STh a'aTh PTh TzTh QTh RTh ShTh

4/10/71 e.v.

At about 7PM the last flame went out. New candles and start cycle at 6AM, 4/11/71, Easter Sunday morning.

When the flame expired and the smoke rose up, I did the Lesser Pentagram Banishing ritual.

Disturbances in the air. The Eastern Pentagram seemed to be lightly visible. The YHVH vibration had a distinct emanation cloud going forth from my right hand at charging. Other directions were less notable. May have been distracted by results. The angel of Air was visible as a general disturbance like a heat wave. Ritual was done in the outer room — last candle was the southern in that room. I asked for a sign of a gentle and harmless sort.

4/11/71 e.v.

I awoke, lit the candles and a bit of incense. I studied the gates and wrote in the books of 231 and Aleph (notebooks used during this period) about the gate AB. The candles came before and the study and writing after a seven minute meditation on the Key 0 (The card of the Fool in Tarot. It corresponds to the letter Aleph). The meditation was broken twice; once to think about the damp in the North East corner of the room, once to look up. I counted the nine mountain peaks (these details are to be found in the BOTA Tarot card of the Fool), eight spokes, seven trefoils. I pondered the Malkut-earth-stone beneath the Fool. I noted the grip of the hand on the rose and on the staff. I saw the wreath. I noted the white, Horus eye. I saw in the rose a lotus wand. I dimly discerned another lotus wand at the feet of the Fool. I tried to see and count fingers in the ground beneath the feet. I tried to discern the PCS monogram (inadvertently left on this card by JBP). I counted the wheels. I noted the belt. I examined the decorations of the outer garment with an eye to painting them. I thought about the color of the background, the hair, the sun, rose, dog, wand, outer garment, leggings, face, wallet, mountains and leaves.

Another meditation from the next day:

4/12/71 e.v. — 6AM

7-8 min. med. on colored Key 0. Saw the contrasts between the yellow sky and the violet-purple mountains. Saw that the torso and skirt of the Fool form mount Meru with the belt the dividing line. Just as the world-mill trembles and falls off the axis-mundi at the end of each world-age, so will the false restraint of the Fool fall away and send him tumbling through the worlds. He is the double cone which rises and falls above and below the horizon.

This dream is recorded for the same day:

I dreamed a dream … in which I had entered a strange world. It was a sort of carnival world in which a great ferris wheel turned. Its wheels were pentagrams in circles, made out of beads of light. I was tested in this world (to gain entry?). Part of the test consisted of a cubic lattice. One had to see that it was a lattice with the cubical form and that on it, things which seemed to have no relationship to each other were the same and at the same point. Even when ordered out of that place by a certain time, one could not truly leave it. Walk as one would, the lights of the wheel would but become blurred and then return to sharp clarity. This was the world of the Folly that is wisdom. Here everyone seemed irrational — but their's was the height of reason — AD.

Some explanation might help.

I had started meditation on the 231 gates or combinations of Hebrew letters. According to my plan, I would meditate twice on each pair of letters. In each case, the first such meditation was intended to be simple, only a little more than a rehearsal of the correspondences. The first part of the meditation on each gate was spent in examining correspondence to both of the letters constituting the gate. As part of the first-type meditation, I prepared several pages listing the correspondences of various traditional things to each letter of the pair. These correspondences often derive from the “Sepher Yetzirah,” according to the Golden Dawn pattern, and include numbers, astrological symbols, colors, Tarot cards, human vices and virtues, etc. See Appendix B for a listing. After setting down these correspondences to the gate letters in two parallel columns, I looked up the pair of letters as a word in a Hebrew dictionary. Usually several dictionary meanings can be found for each pair of letters. After this I wrote short sentences uniting correspondences. This first-type meditation is practice and discipline. The second meditation follows another sequence of the gates. Out of the first 21 successive mediations, all were of the first type. The next 21 meditations started with one of the second type. The next 21 started with two of the second type and included 19 of the first type. The last 21 meditations will be entirely of the second type.

These second-type meditations start in the same manner as the first-type. I sat and meditated before a Tarot card or two, letting my thoughts follow the course that seemed best. After this I indulged in trance writing rather than the checking off of correspondences.

The frequency and method of the meditations changed many times during the years of this labor, but most of the pattern outlined above continued in use. I will remark about the changes as they occur in this history.

This next item is a diary entry about a first-type meditation of the letters AZ. It records thoughts experienced while looking at the Tarot card of the Fool. The more complex work with correspondences is a different sort of thing.

8 min. meditation on Key 0. Did 231 (gate 6) and Aleph earlier. Face of Fool again strong. I looked on the mountains of the background and remembered Crowley on K-2. Was Crowley's mountaineering a physical version of his spiritual accomplishment? Did he seek to attain in nature what he could not attain in spirit?

I wonder if the Fool stands on Everest?

Attempted a projection of self into the Key. Felt a bit of arise. Key seemed more real. Got strong visual overloading effects, not strong enough to precipitate rising in the light, only a bit of color flashing.

That last paragraph mentions a very useful practice. Take a Tarot card, one of the BOTA cards that you have painted yourself is perhaps the best, and visualize yourself in the body of the principal character of the card. See all the things that the principal character would see. Imagine all the parts of the clothing of the figure. Wear that clothing about your imagined form. Do in imagination the things done in the card. This method is the same as the Golden Dawn method of building up a god-form about oneself. In this case, the Tarot images are the god-forms.

There are many Tarot decks. I have found that different sorts of decks answer different needs, and I use several. The BOTA deck has aided me most in meditation. For divination, I like the Waite-Rider pack. For light mediation and simple pleasure, Crowley's “Book of Thoth” deck is best.

Crowley's deck is the most beautiful published deck that I have seen, but the designs are too complex for most uses. The Cook deck (called “The New Tarot for the Aquarian Age”), although not a Tarot deck at all, is nice to trip with. The Tarot of Marseilles is the oldest style available widely. There are many illustrated books which provide glimpses of strange and beautiful designs.

A few words should be said about the so-called “Egyptian Tarot” of C.C.Zain (Elbert Benjamine). This deck, also known as the “Church of Light” deck and the “Brotherhood of Light” deck, is a modern example of a type that originated in 18th century France. This sort of Tarot is not Egyptian in any way other than the style of its art. The story of an Egyptian origin for Tarot seems to be false.

The myths illustrated on the cards have Egyptian counterparts; but the designs on the cards show the 12th century European versions of such myths, not Egyptian. This is true even of the Zain deck. In this design, the European myths are acted out by characters drawn to appear like Egyptians. Most of the pictures on the Zain deck Major Trumps are redrawn from very similar Trumps in a book titled “Practical Astrology”, by pseudo Comte C. de Saint-Germain, 1901. Sometimes Zain introduced Egyptian hieroglyphs into the designs, but these are usually irrelevant to the meanings of the designs.

In one case, that of the card of the Fool (Zain's “Materialist”, Arcanum XXII), there is a relationship between Zain's Egyptian characters and the symbolism of the card. On the base of the fallen obelisk, Zain has placed the cartouch of “Men-Keph-Ra,” an alternate name for Pharaoh Thuthmes the IIIrd.

The AMORC pseudo-Rosicrucians use this cartouch as the “seal of the founder;” and it is possible that Zain used it to insult that honorable, though juvenile organization. In his book, the “Sacred Tarot,” Zain claims that the letters on the lower right corners of the Major Trumps of his Tarot are Egyptian characters. These letters are a form of Hebrew called the “Alphabet of the Magi,” and they may be seen in the back of the Mathers “translation” of the “Greater Key of Solomon.” There is no known direct connection between these letters in this form and ancient Egypt. Had Zain really wished to use Egyptian characters, he could have turned to Budge's book on the “Egyptian Language.” This work contains a list of Egyptian hieroglyphics which correspond to the letters of the Hebrew alphabet.

Some of these could easily be attributed to the Major Trumps of Tarot.

Tarot cards may have been introduced into Europe by the Gypsys when that people migrated from India. An enterprising Gypsy may have adapted Indian cards to European usage by drawing pictures of participants in the pre-Lenten festivals of 12th century Italy. Such festivals (called Mardi Gras in this country) included all the figures of the traditional Tarot. Because historic records appear to indicate the first arrival of the Gypsys in Western Europe some considerable time after the first appearance of Tarot, the Gypsy theory of Tarot origin is unlikely. Probably the idea of such cards came in through Venetian commerce with Islam.

Whatever their origin, Tarot cards have been used as teaching aids in occult organizations for several centuries. Special features have been introduced into the designs of most modern decks.

Although these features are rarely traditional to Tarot, they do make the decks that incorporate them easier to use with the theories of the occult organizations. If a person studies one or another of the various occult systems, it is best to use Tarot decks designed by students of the system being studied.

The use of Tarot based on other theories may be confusing. Zain's theories don't fit well with the Waite deck, and the Golden Dawn theories don't fit Zain's deck. To learn Zain's system, use his deck.

To learn the Golden Dawn system, use the decks of Waite, Case or Crowley.

Whenever a Tarot card is described below, the BOTA (Case) deck will be the one used. The few exceptions to this rule will be noted in the text where they occur.

The next item comes from my diary dated: 4/18/71 e.v., 6PM. It concerns experiences obtained while doing a first- type meditation on the gate AN.

The wand of the Fool is the serpent-staff of Aaron. My spine must become that staff. The Moon and Sun in close embrace on the left shoulder of the Fool are gate 13, AN. The entire wand and wallet are strong for this gate. Scorpio in the neutral and good aspects. Kundalini stiffens to send the crest of the life-force back to the sphere of Keter and to Ain beyond. The mementos of incarnation rise in the grip of the Eagle to the top. Look through the eye! Unlock the clasp! Know!

I read the last BOTA lesson on the Fool first …

Also took a much needed bath — If I hadn't had a hangover, might have risen in LVX.

… Tarot meditation interrupted by much swallowing. There was some perspiration, and automatic rigidity, ='s lower stages of Pranayama. The hangover interfered with the necessary breathing control. Also sluggish from weight build up … water of rehydration … Yama too weak. Niyama not the interfering weakness this time. Definite Asana problems. Crowley is right. Good health and comfort are necessary.

A clean skin and an empty set of testicles will not overcome even a mild hangover. In later experiments, I found that this was only true of a certain type of meditation. Hangovers from alcohol and from various other drugs can be actually incorporated into the meditation. This does limit the choice of the meditator, however. One may not be able to use one's “favorite” meditation style.

This selection from my diary represents only a part of the written material that accompanies such a meditation. Each such diary entry starts with a brief summary of the basic experience and provides information on its duration.:

16 min. on Key 0. 231 and Aleph. The Key flashed nicely. I was able to come close to stopping myself — may have done it for several fractions of a second. Had much improved visualization. Improved identification. Came closer to strong perception of the Life-Force.

The 16 min. refers to time spent actually sitting in silence and looking at the Tarot card of the Fool. After the basic record of time spent and physical conditions, ideas and impressions are recorded in the diary.

Two other records of each meditation are written in different notebooks. The first of these records is a formal meditation on correspondences to the letters. This is done for the first-type meditation only. In cases of the second-type meditation, the record in this same notebook consists of trance and semi-automatic writing. The notebook that holds the first of these additional records is referred to in diary entries as “231.”

These “231” notebooks have a separate section for each of the pairs of Hebrew letters. Each of these sections is subdivided into three subsections. Here follow reproductions of the first subsection of “231” for the gate


             [FIGURE #8:] 
     AN ----- the thirteenth gate. 
     AN ----- 50 + 1 = 51 ------ 
              5 + 1 + 6 --------- ThPARTh  --- VV 
                DEATH         Th            FOOL 
                 ATU          P             ATU 
                      F       B       O 
                NVN   i       e       x   ALP 
                      s       a 
                      h       u 
                      Scorpio       6       Air 
                      50      6       1 
                South West    6    Above to Below 
             Transformation   6    Ruach -- RVCh -- Breath of Life 
                 Motion            Spirit, Spiritas, Pneuma, Prana. 
                         [FIGURE #9:] 
              Imaginative     6    Fiery or Scintillating 
              Intelligence    6    Intelligence 
               G-Natural      6    E-Natural 
               Green-Blue     6    Bright Pale Yellow 
               Dull Brown     6    Sky Blue 
           Very Dark Brown    6    Blue Emerald Green 
        Livid Indigo Brown,   6    Emerald, flecked Gold 
        like a Black Beetle 
                8th Single    6    1st Mother 
                       [FIGURE #10:] 
             AN --- (an)  [comp. AYN] adverb --- where? 
                    whither?;  MAN whence? 
                    a'aD AN till when?  how long? 
                    with local H --- ANH whither? where? how long? 
                    ANH-VANH hither and thither. 
             AN, AVN  --- (on) proper name of a city in lower Egypt 
             NA --- (na) a particle of entreating and inciting: 
                         pray! now! oh! 
             NA --- (na) adjective. --- raw, half-cooked. 
             NA --- (no) and NA-AMVN --- (no-amon) proper name of 
                         a city in upper Egypt (Thebes). 

This first subsection contains no original material. It is little more than a list of the correspondences to the two letters. A middle column of correspondences to the pair of letters as a whole is derived from their numerical values and placed between the columns of the correspondences to the letters taken separately.

The second subsection puts these correspondences into more complex statements and starts a study and meditation on their significance.:


4/18/71 e.v.

How long O'h Lord? When may we leave our bondage in the Egyptian land? How long must we shuttle back and forth between the Day city and the Night city?

When you are ripe, when you are ready, then and only then shall you depart the earthly Heliopolis and the earthly Thebes. In that time shall you journey past the Moon City of the Dead. In that time shall you journey past the Sun City of the Living. In no time and no space shall you enter the gates of the Heavenly city of which earthly Heliopolis is scarce a dream.

The Ox falls past the Sun. The Ox is stuck tight in the spinning rounds of the Fish who chases his tail.

Air blows past the Sun. The maddened Bull rushes into the nest of scorpions. Yet is there, there to be found the serpent of the wise and the Bird of Heaven. The fire which stings to the death also kindles the flame of life and shoots be-times as high as the sky.

Above to below rises and falls as South-East and South-West. Between these two verticals spins the disk of the Sun. The Wheel of Brahma hath eight spokes.

Life-Breath inwardly understands the transformations of life and death. To free the Ruach from the motion of the manifesting … Only stop and listen.

The Fiery Intelligence eternally enters into the Imaginative Intelligence. To triumph, forget time and space.

Yod ……… Life-Breath is inkindled into Nature.
Heh ……… The Heavens crash to earth.
Vau ……… Life in nature becomes subdued unto death beneath the fertile earth.
Heh ……… The Crown of Life is changed for the Anubis rod of Death.
AVN ………….. Breath, nothingness; idolatry, falsehood, sin, toil; Heliopolis; wealth; strength. … here is the nature of life mixed with the seed of death.
NVA ………….. to avert, hinder, refuse, frustrate. … here is the seeming nature of death. Avert thine eyes from the Sun which is darkened by thy Idolatry

O'h Israel!

The third subsection on AN is added at a later time, following the second meditation on this particular gate. It is of the second-type and consists of trance writing. The example below is a little out of place here, as it actually was written nearly a year later than the time now under discussion. It has been included at this point to show the full form of the sectional entries of the 231 notebooks.

2/6/72 e.v.

The Son of the Sun enters the world but to die and to rise again.

To you O'h Lord we owe our livelihood! To your fields, your skies and your creatures do we owe existence! Yet we must kill you.

You have entered our hearts and made them glad. You have given us children and kept them well.

Yet we must kill you.

You have brought the gentle rain and the cooling breeze. You have made the earth rich and bearing. Yet we must kill you.

Your life is in all, it slackens not, nor does it lose its savor. Yet to preserve that life we must kill you.

O'h Son of the Sun we shall morn you. We shall grieve for you. In every field we shall bury you.

Your body shall be divided among us all. Your bones shall be ground into our bread. Your flesh shall become our portion.

The beast and the stranger, the sheaf and the tree — these are your hiding places. These shall die that you may be with us always.

In the second notebook additional records of the meditations are made in the form of short entries to link the pair of letters through the corresponding Tarot cards. This series of records is kept in twenty-two separate notebooks, one for each letter of the Hebrew alphabet. In the diary entries, these notebooks are referred to by the corresponding Hebrew letter. Thus, the entry for the first-type meditation on AN is found in the notebook of Aleph.



The Life-Breath of the Fool is trapped in the cycles of Death and reincarnation. The soul shuttles back and forth between Heliopolis and Thebes; between AN and NA; between the Sun of the living and the Moon of the dead. Hear the sayings of the Hierophant. Then shall Death case to plant and to harvest. Your seed shall have grown vines upon the trellis of his bones as a Serpent twines a Tree. The blossom you put forth shall be caught up in the talons of the Eagle and carried to that which shines in the No-time and No-space beyond the sky. The Sting of Scorpion Death will know thee not.

AN shall become AYN.

When the second type meditation occurs, this type of record is placed in the book of the second letter of the gate or pair of letters. In this case, the book of Nun was used:

2/6/72 e.v.


The Fool glides out of the mouth of the Hierophant to keep rendezvous with Death.

Whatever is not recorded in the books of 231 or in the books of the Hebrew Letters is noted in the diary, after the general record.

This is the form of my meditations. The details vary, but in each case there is a longer or shorter period of ritual meditation followed by an earthing of the experiment in writing. The whole is a single experience, a single meditation. In a very real sense, there is no time in which I am not meditating. As soon as I have finished with one gate, by formal meditation and writing, I invoke the force of the next. All events that occur from one formal meditation to the next are interpreted as occurring under the magical influence of the pair of letters that is the subject of the next formal meditation. Sometimes the effect is mild, sometimes violent; but the effect of each gate on my life is always definite. Each gate teaches me and causes me to grow. When I am fully open to the influence of a given gate, I learn through pain and frustration. Both sorts of experience will be shown in the pages which follow.

This series of meditations was undertaken as a preliminary to the magical retirement described in the writings of Aleister Crowley and in the “Sacred Book of the Magic of Abramelin the Mage.” The preliminary became the main event. I progressed to the reception of the unhindered knowledge and conversation of my Guardian Angel, my Higher Mind. At the time now being discussed, I was not fully aware of this. I spend long months on the 31st path of the Tree of Life, the path of Taw.

Throughout April and the first part of May of 1971 I was tormented by the approach of my master's degree oral exam. This valuable but miserable experience figured in my meditations of the period. I had enrolled in the physics master's degree program at San Francisco State College (now University) in the Fall of 1969 and completed the program with reception of the degree in 1971. During most of this time, I meditated twice daily.

Here is a record of my first meditation of the gate BV, as recorded in my diary:

4/27/71 e.v. PM

12 min. Med. on Key 1. Good Flashing. Had brief vision of myself in a temple. Circle about me.

I am the Magician. Power flows through me in a granular stream. Below me doors open and close in a great dim hall. …

Missed the morning meditation through tiredness … Combination of oral test jitters and psychic pressure. Started to do a paragraph by paragraph summary of R&C (AMORC Lesons) 4th degree monographs … Have drunken about 6-8 oz. of mild liquor cordials over about 2 hrs. before this writing. Will probably get drunk tonight. The mental-psychic pressure is very high. I am nearly frantic … This will burn out or lead to a major discovery. That is the usual.

Some of this pressure may come from my oath violations (to AMORC on secrecy) — these are made on the basis of higher obligations than in the oaths. — Thus I am forced into a higher state of being before I may be ready (to justly break a morally binding oath of secrecy it is necessary to have reached a higher state of development than that for which the oath was designed).

Here's part of the entry from 231 on the same meditation:

Mercury doubles itself in the duality of the claws of the crab. The bull ruses madly about the ring; the picadors will spear him to see that he charges truly. While the horsemen devil, the Magician-Hermes-Matador dances the dance of life and death with the veil of the temple between him and the fiery snorts of the bull's life. The banderilleros come to give six-fold direction to the bull's charge.

The Magician takes cape and sword to play the rotation game of round-about. The fire breath of the bull is gushing forth. The moment of truth. The sword thrust into the great blood-river of the Bull.

Death in the delicate tap of the escarpetio. A turn about the ring. Two ears and a tail. Torero!

As the time of my examination drew closer, I came to enter more deeply into my meditations:

Diary, 5/3/71 e.v. PM, BS

The Keys of the Tarot are kind to me. The blessings of the Angel descend as soon as the ritual is started, as if the ritual was complete. No great intoxication with these meditations. Just realization of the image of the Key. I am a distraught husband whose wife comes gently to him and lays her hand upon his cheek. She loves her child-spouse and tends his needs when he needs. She knows that in his strength he will provide his very body and soul to her least desire — even if not to her strong need. Yet will he strive and the very striving beings the gentleness in the bower…

Oral tomorrow; many friends have sent their wishes … “Every number is infinite, there is no difference.”

I meditated in Ba'a the next morning. This left the influence for the oral to be BP, in Tarot correspondences, the Magician and the Tower. After the meditations I made a divination about the oral exam by the Tarot.

5/4/71 e.v.

At basis, lasting success and coming happiness. This is opposed by illusionary success and by excessive planning. At best, a partial success (but not a serious problem like failure which would push me back into the blindness of the lower places). I have an established strength now, but not an absolute one. In the past, my honesty has helped me. In the future, I shall rest from the strife of anxiety. I have somewhat of friendship and of balanced force. My environment is a defeating one … I fear loss and I will surrender to the inevitable. … yet the fear is not all-powerful, nor is the surrender quite perfect. In the oral I shall be coached by the inner voice of intuition, the occult forces that I have willfully invoked. Looks ok.

I was drained of most of my energy for a week following that exam, but I passed it in the way the divination had indicated.

The last meditations of the gates of Bet were made on 5/8/71.

Osiris at last (the Egyptian God of resurrection from death. “O” in the ancient formula IAO. “I” is Isis and beginning strength. “A” is Apopis and destroying boredom. “O” is successful conclusion and renewal.). A parting gift from the Magus. Some or most of the former difficulties may have been due to too much lighting (during meditation on the Tarot card). Got quite high. Used invocations (oral and projected) to inflame. Excellent flashing. Very much refreshed. Very much more powerful afterward… The meditation on the Tarot Key of the Magician lasted thirty-three minutes.

In 231: In the House, the Beautiful One, the Son of the King is nailed to the cross. A third of heaven's stars follow him to Stygia. The Light of High brings Stygia forth into day. The cross becomes the spokes of the Great Wheel; and who dances about the hub? The Fool of men and heaven… BTh.

I began meditation on the gates of Gimmel on May 9, 1971, Mother's Day.

This written meditation from 231 was made the next day after beginning the gates of Gimmel and it records a second- type meditation on the letters BG. Bet is the Magician and Gimel is the High Priestess of Tarot.

The Lord of Fire embraces the Lady Water. Behold duality made one! Behold the triangle of Fool in Magus and High Priestess!

White Rabbit Moon!

The spark of life falls in a lightning flash into the sea. The sea receives it and multiplies it into the endless forms. Yet of these forms, there are only twenty-two sorts and these are all the same.

A diamond grows in the heart of the inflamed waters. The diamond has the cut of a cross made of cubical stones. Many colors flash from its facets. Yet all the colors come from a single beam of white light. They race about the world in the darkness of their many ways. Yet they rejoin where they began and blaze the blaze of the bornless one.

Heaven's messenger bears the Sun to the Moon. They lock themselves in carnal delight. The man falls exhausted; the woman wants more — yet she must birth he whom she would bed. Incest in heaven and hell is the royal way.

Bet is the runnel pipe and Gimmel is a cistern. When the cistern overflows, the nymph shall go to lie upon the moss. (See Crowley's “Lapidis Lazuli”).

Bits of information about the Tree of Life continued to come slowly to me. 5/14/71: The Tree of Life can have only one purpose: To unite or generate opposites. Any other use is partial and fragmentary.

At this point a short break occurred in my mediations. The influence of the letters Gimmel-Nun, the gate of that time, was extended for an unusually long time. These letter correspond to the High Priestess and Death, to the Moon and to Scorpio. The Moon was in Scorpio at my birth. This break was involuntary and served to teach me several things in a very abrupt manner.

I had gone to a show of the paintings of Mary-Ann Withrow in Santa Cruz and attended a party afterwards in the home of Gary and Mary-Ann. These two people were very close to me, and this occasion became a point of change for me.

Diary, 5/17/71: Great show. Beautiful paintings. Gave Mary-Ann a copy of my chart — her art is heavy for charts and Earth. Got drunk and spent the night in the front room. That was some party.

All kinds of people and dogs. Had wine, gin, beer, etc. and one good time. Some weird dude actually bit a chunk out of a phonograph record before the guests could figure out his trip.

The experience was timed just right for me and this gate. I was intoxicated psychologically when I went. I could accept anything and everything. First time I have ever just sat and dug everything I could see at a party.

The next day, I experienced the negative side of the gate: Lost another day to illness. Came on a few hours after the last entry (in the diary). Had me embracing the Ain of the porcelain ring while casting forth offerings to Crowley upon the waters therein. Saluted Waite out the other end.

Unfortunately, in true mystical form, I manifested both these extremes at once. I'll need a new prayer-rug for my hermitage …

I spent several days in bed (when I could stay in it) recovering and reading Crowley's “Moonchild.”

By the 22nd of that month, I had figured out my immediate problem: My present illness came suddenly at a time when I would have been studying the gate GN. … During the period immediately prior to this, I opened myself to many … unbalanced impressions. Since my subconscious mind has integrated the correspondences, etc., I may have psychosomatically precipitated this illness, effectively using the lunar tendency to sickness (Moon and Gimel) conjoined to the constellation of the destroyer (Scorpio and Nun) to produce the symptoms. This being the case, I should be well very soon.

The Moon repented her harshness and sent me a beautiful dream. This was a brush with Yesod, the ninth Sephira of the Tree of Life. I was not ready to be initiated into Yesod, but my labors to that end were being encouraged.

5/23/71 e.v.

I dreamed of a desert place with a cave or narrow canyon which could be entered through a tomb. Inside was a manmade pond and a fountain. The fountain was in the shape of the upturned face of the sea-god. The water issued in a single column from the mouth of the god. Yet the fountain would not function unless commanded. I told the waters to rise up. They answered my will. Whenever I commanded, the waters spouted upward. At first only a few inches, then a few feet, then a hundred feet, then a thousand, all done at my command. Yet it was hard to maintain the display, and the fountain quickly returned to a height of a few feet and then of a few inches.

Farther from the place (to the West? or North? I don't know. Only that it was “Left” of that place.) there was a place where worlds meet. I met a girl who came from a world where they fear the Sun, where the Sun burns and radiation contaminates everyone who doesn't bend closely to the ground and cover himself with a sheep skin. I brought this girl to the place of the fountain. Together we rejoiced and loved. Later we went back to the edge of her land and helped others, one or two or three, to join us in the better place. Her people were herdsmen.

I went back alone to the place of the fountain. There was one who thirsted at the door of the tomb. At first I did not want to open it. Then I saw the need and tore away the stone and the mortar. It fell in pieces and the dome and arch-way of the tomb fell with it. I entered the garden of the fountain and called it into play. Up it went, first inches, then feet, then a hundred feet, then a thousand feet — all at my insistence. I turned to walk about in the garden.

Soon men came. They were dressed like Aztec Indians. One carried a sword and had a shield hound to his arm — I saw it being bound. There was another sword and shield — for me. The people had come when they saw the water rise above the hills. I was given the sword but not the shield. As the sword was being attached to my hand, I overheard the people talking.

They were alarmed that the water spout had been seen. Yet, in the old days, they said, to keep the water steady at right angles like that for six minutes was a great thing, a holy thing. I thought that I would have to fight their champion.

There was no fight. Instead, they explained to me in a vision that they feared the place and feared disturbing or awakening it. I saw that a building had stood there once, that it had caught fire and that the fire had spread to an entire town.

Then I was in a sort of house which was built up against a similar house on the other side of the border with the world of the herdsmen. There was a doorway with a hanging curtain between the two worlds. My friends went through and came back with girls. I was alone. I went to the curtain and, holding it aside, beckoned to one of the two girls who were just coming out of a similar door on the other side. I let the curtain fall and waited. Soon the girl who had seen me came in. She went to me and we held each other. She was delighted with the view of trees and gardens seen through what she called the “smoked glass” windows. I told her that the windows weren't smoked, that there was nothing harmful on the other side of them. She understood; and we loved, each the other.

I know that this is the world of the herdsmen and that the world of the fountain is the place where my soul lives.

This dream is prophetic. I have seen the fountain in its tomb. I have come a way toward controlling it. I have met the girl of the burning world of shepherds. You, my reader, are the one who thirsts at the door. I have seen the first of the Aztecs and know what they fear and desire. The rest is yet to come.

On May 30th, 1971, I began the meditations on the gates of Dalet. Here are three second-type meditations from 231:


5/30/71 e.v.

The Supernal Mother Binah has received the living essence from the Supernal Father Chokmah.

There grows within her womb the intricacies of the living things, the Chioth Ha-Qadosh. These are the four who will uphold the corners of the Universe. Within the Mother are we.

She is the provider … from her came all things. Into her pass away all things. She is Lady Life and Mistress Death. The great Wheel of Fortune is but her spinning wheel, and the fibers she joins are of the very stuff of life. The Fool dances in her womb; he flows through her fingertips; he flies about the wheel. She, the Mother, sits in her garden in the cool air of the morning. She has many names and one name. She is the sky goddess Nuit. She is the crystal sea aswim with the motes of the stars. She is the Earth Mother giving birth. This last is closer to her name in AD. She stands in rushing space and opens the door of her womb. A sesame this, within the stone a cave of wonders. The riches of the worlds within the smallest seed. That seed an egg of deepest black. Within the egg an Eagle trapped, one day to fly into the Sun that melts the morning mists. Yet now the Eagle is content to be a child seated upon a lotus. He touches his finger to his lips. Does he seek silence or does he open his mouth with the tool of the ancient priests? No answer and no need of answer. At that gesture is heard the sound that is no sound and cannot be heard. Mother Kali is flatulent at giving birth. A great heave and birds sing. A moan and streams flow. A cry and the flame of the lightning strikes fire to the tinder of the world soul. The babe who is brought forth bears a silver cord and wears a silver caul. Not red, for the blood there is true blood of life's beginnings.


5/31/71 e.v.

She sits within the view of her Lord. He has taken her in his embrace. To the union the Man brought a seed. This seed is a thought which enters the egg of life and orders its contents. The Woman ceases to be the Purified Holy One and becomes the Mother. She has been touched by man and is no longer virgin. The virgin has given way to the Mother.

Within the Mother's womb lies the egg of Yeggdrasil which contains the four worlds of the Aesir.

Strong is the attachment between Mother and Child. She would even conceal the part of the Father in the Child's forming. Overly protective at first, the Mother treats the Child as a part of herself and not the union of Above and Below. The Child is hers. Man is the intruder. He must go about his ways while the Child grows to ripeness. Then, like a true mother, the Mother of nature sends forth her Child into the world of outer darkness. This world is not truly darkness; it is the world of the Father.

To the eyes of the Mother's Child, the male world is a cruel and violent place. The female world protects, holds, restrains and is pliant to the needs of the Child. The male world attacks, pushes, frees and bends never to a child's will. Yet the Child must learn to master both worlds.

The double heritage attends the double act of conception. Even as male begat and female birthed, the Child must come forth from the world of the Mother and must enter into the world of the Father.

In the very act of birth, this event takes place for the body. From the warm and nourishing sea within the Mother, the Child violently enters the world. His first sound is a cry of rage and loss. Yet if he did dwell within forever, he would never become, he would only be a sort of growth. A growth taking up space which could be used to produce another. He must pass out the door and into the greater world outside. Yet the Mother nourishes still. She has changed the way but not the act. Before a silver cord stretched across the sea to bear all things needful. Now a slender pap reaches to the crying mouth and teaches it the first fruits of victory. Gone are the days of effortless receiving. Come are the days of the quest.


5/31/71 e.v.

The Eagle and the Serpent. The Serpent detaches itself from the Eagle and coils about the Moon. The Serpent penetrates to the inner Moon. The Moon grows graved. The Serpent's tail hangs down in a loose twining, crosslike, and Venus is born Venus.

The Virgin is impregnated and reincarnated as the Mother. The sword of the Father has driven in the defenses of the citadel. Fire raged within the broken walls. Now the once barren courtyard blooms with life in the fertile ashes. That life nourishes the wild goat, who leaps forth to repeat the act upon his mate.

When the great dipolar exchange of energies (BG) took place, it left the two poles changed (GD, BH). Now the Woman waits. She is trained to the art. She has been given the seed of life before.

Once she lingered and languished in the safe precincts of the temple. She dwelt in her own womb, waiting completion. She waited without knowing. She felt cold and distant. She was higher than anything, yet she was lonely. When man came, she feared him. Fearing him, she became colder still.

Who would dare to disturb a figure of glass, a figure of precious crystal ice? Yet ice is made for ice picks. The man came to here and went into her. They trembled in her womb. She cried out in fear; he gasped in terror of his loss.

Now those times are gone. The man of the Key has grown a white beard and sits upon his wife's old seat. When she needed it no longer he dragged it down beside the flow — a seat for the supervisor, a stone to rest upon, no longer a seat for a constipated Virgin. The woman too has changed her place. She sits outside in the garden upon the table used by her husband when he was her lover. The tools of wooing are gone, they were expensive frills. Now the woman tends her garden. The days are spent in gestation, the nights in conception. The old man and his child wife don't groan so loudly any more. It has become a game. A game more of memory than of feeling. Yet love grows deeply for all of that.

One glorious, fearful, painful lusting has become the milestone in two lives for one woman.

Before, she could only receive; now, she can only give.

The Vestal Virgin has become the Whore of Babalon.

I still walked the path between Malkut and Yesod on the Tree of Life. Yet there was a great flow of consciousness from higher places. From time to time the gates of Yesod would open to admit my mind. This made a foundation for the climb to come. Each Sephira and every path is found in its essential basis in the path of Taw between Malkut and Yesod. Only when all have a beginning will the climb and the self- initiation proceed beyond this path.

During this time, I continued my visits with friends and teachers. No one ascends alone. Only through the aid of others can we come to the high places.

The last of the gates of Dalet ended with this prayer of praise:

6/19/71 e.v.

For thy kindness I thank thee, my Mother.
For thy sternness I have learned to love thee, my Mother.
For thy steadfastness I shall honor thee all of my days, my Mother.

The next day, this meditation came on the shapes of the Hebrew letters and the Tarot:

Aleph is the Fool because it resembles a dancing figure.
Bet is the Magus because it shows a force penetrating an object.
The Resh is a man with an erection, the lower line is a woman lying down.
Gimel is the woman holding on to a child — High Priestess.
Dalet is the Empress as a builder's square and as Nuit bending over.
Heh (Golden Dawn attribution) is the Emperor as Hadit (Yod) beneath Nuit (Dalet) …. (This could be said to be the birth of the Star).
Vau is the Hierophant — a man-woman standing alone.
Zain is the Lovers as a child lifted by a parent toward heaven.
Chet is the Charioteer as Hadit united to Nuit.
Yod is the Hermit as a man (Hadit) alone.
Koph is the wheel because of its circular motion.
Lamed is Justice both as an instrument of direction (goad) and as a sort of balance called a “steel-yard”.
Mem is the Hanged Man as the Hierophant (Vau) submitting to the Wheel (Koph).
Nun is Death as being his scythe.
Shin is Temperance as the wheel closed back on itself, complete and in harmony.
Ayin is the Devil as a phallic symbol, as a picture of an inverted trinity, as a face with two horns, as a witching rod.
Peh is the Tower as the wheel with its victim crying out as he falls.
Tzaddi (Golden Dawn Tradition) is a fish-hook in shape, and in no direct way do I at this time see how to connect it with the word “Star.”

{But, as Emperor, it would be a human figure seated on his knees with his arms raised above his head}.

Qoph is the Moon above the Hierophant or Hermit — Heh again, or the Nuit and Hadit.
Resh is the Sun as the male part of the Magician.
Shin is Judgment as the three-in-one rise upward.
Taw is the world — I can see the cross-Taw relationship from the cursive form of Hebrew, but not from the “flame” style of the letter. — perhaps the gibbet of the Hanged Man?

The meditations on the gates of Heh began on Father's Day, 6/20/71. The first four of these meditations were of the second-type. Three of these follow from the 231 notebooks.


6/21/71 e.v.

The All-ruler receives his scepter. Magus unites himself to the Ancient of Days. There is a great roaring and a trembling. A river passes between mountains of fire and unyielding earth. Strong upon his throne, the Lord looks down. He turns his right eye and the waters darken. He turns his left eye and the waters leap and sparkle. Power flows through him like water through a sluice. He directs.

He appoints. He decides.

Roses and Lilies, Violets and Lotus; now this one, not that one. Not those; yes these. The garden blooms by the art of the gardener. Not he, who grows the plants. Not he, who makes the Sun to shine. Yet he planted the seed, and he pulls out the weeds.

Four tools do a garden make; a stick, a pot, a spade and some tile. Four elements do a garden nourish; Fire from the Sun, Water from the stream, Air from the winds, and a little earth. Four things grow in a garden; life, love, dreams and death. To make a garden grow takes reason and will. Plant the seed in barren soil Gimel). Barrenness departs and the seed puts forth a shoot (Dalet). Tend the plant (Heh).

You who love in merry ways … recognize your child! Guide him, guard him, grow him!

Ilmarinen, mighty smith, strikes away at steel.
Quick it bends and quick it changes.
Fashion what you will.
Vainamoinen, mighty singer, sing a Tree for me.
Let it be forever green, and let it have ten branches.
On each branch let ten twigs grow
And on each twig ten leaves.
Let this Tree be tall as thee,
And give me leave to climb it.


6/22/71 e.v.

An old man after a young girl.

The Oracle of Delphi is violated. “Come O'h Pythoness and receive thy god between thy loins.”

She cowers back. “I am virgin sire!” “So what my dear. We are all on the verge of something. Why not step a bit farther and take a good look.” “No, no, no!” “Yes, yes, yes!” “Will it hurt?” “Who? Me or you?” Thus began an age.

When the old man had finished grunting, he wiped the blood off his cock and smiled down at the recumbent Pythoness. “Of course you know what this means,” she said. “What?' said he; “still prophesying after that?” “Only once more dear, the sanctuary is in ruins and Delphi prophesies no more. Help me up, I feel pregnant.”

On they went, hand in hand. He led her to his palace garden and placed upon her head a crown of stars. For her dowry she gave him her seat. Not that stupid tripod, but the squared block she really preferred, a good solid bit of matter. “Sit on that and watch a while. I've got children to birth.”

There he sits, encased in armor, while his young wench dyes her hair and struggles into a maternity dress.

In the old days she wore blue and white. She sat alone in a cold temple and muttered to herself.

People would come and ask her things, but the answers they got were strange. She was busy daydreaming about a tall, dark stranger in red who would carry her off. He would send her a torrent of airy flame to merge with her watery womb. Maybe it did happen. She couldn't have gotten pregnant from a hairy old man, could she? O'h well, he was probably young once. It's more fun to sit outside in a garden anyway.

The Old Man sits and scowls at the river. Chastened, it flows quietly past.


6/23/71 e.v.

Yah and Eloha, Ab and Aima, Father and Mother. These two serve and fashion. The Marriage of black and white, of the Tohu and the Bohu. Father is the chaotic force which brings order. Mother is the fixed force which brings forth chaos. One in cause and effect, this pair forms and fashions. A seed was planted in the watery womb of the Mother. It grew and multiplied. The Father disowned it.

He refused to believe the child his own. “Too old am I to father children. Before there was a wind fashioned of the Air, I Am.” The Mother bore her burden in silence. She came to term and delivered a stone. The stone was silent. “Get out,” the Father roared. “You would not be faithful! You knew what would come forth! You knew that the child would be base!” “Yes,” sighed the Mother. “I knew. The fault is mine. I will take the child and go!” Off she went to the end of the new Universe.

The Father sat in silence upon his throne, little thinking that it was the child. Soon he pondered; came to wish the Mother home. Yet he knew that without her child she would not come. Still, no dumb stone belongs in Heaven. What value to the silence if it does not sing. The silence may not sing unless the silent one has the power to choose.

He sat about to make a tongue for the stone.

An age passed and the stone grew moss from its Eastern face; branches bearing leaves appeared. Yet branches and leaves could only rustle.

He waited yet another age and then cast the stone into the sea; the Mother laughed at the pun. “You would deny your child,” she said. “You said that he came not to my inner sea from thee. Yet thou hast cast him into an outer sea. Admit it! He's yours as well as mine!” “Yes, but we'll just wait a bit and watch.” The stone became scaled and finned. It swam about. From its Western face there came a moan. “Not yet.”

Another age passed and the stone stood erect in the valley whence it fell from the mountain. It turned toward the South and cried: “Enough of this SHIT! Do you want me or don't you?!” Father and Mother laughed aloud. “Now do you recognize him,” she demanded. “He's just as raunchy as his Old Man.” “All right, you Bitch! I've heard the bastard. Bastard he may be, but he must be mine. Teach him to shut up and bring him home.” This last task being a bit more difficult than the others, the child remained below for a time. Finally he ascended into Heaven.

After gleefully pinching his Mother's ample buttocks, he went up to his Father and demanded the Keys to the Chariot. The Old Man asked him why. “Well, you see, there's this cute little priestess out Delphi way. I thought I might go and see if I could get a little action.” “Son,” the Father said, “one bit of advice. When they say 'No,' ignore it. But watch out you don't get her pregnant.” “Sure, see you later.”

Perhaps irreverent chauvinism does not please everyone, but some of the gods like it. The only way I have ever been able to magically influence weather is through cursing the Divinity and ordering High God about like an office boy. This practice has roots in antiquity. Irreverence is often more respectful than ordinary piety. It involves more conscious thought. A god wants attention, not mindless mush.

Late in June I had a dream that gave me great and abiding pleasure. This was my dream of the Park of the Trees of Madness, the most beautiful dream that I can remember:

6/25/71 e.v.

Strange dream. First I tried to catch a bird with a desk calendar baited with ABC gum. This I did in an alleyway between a utility plant and a government installation (behind a large link fence) … I didn't expect any luck, but just as I left, I saw a large parrot with gray, black and white markings — except for a red patch on its head. This bird watch me as I left.

After walking very quietly through the ghetto, I came to a rotunda of concrete. High up inside was a forest of strange trees. This forest was completely enclosed by the concrete rotunda. I entered the high end (East on the “Cube of Space” but West in Oakland — like my temple at the time with mystical East in physical West). All the people there were running from the high end of the tree-park to the low end. A storm was about to take place outside, and anybody left with the Trees would go mad with fear. The storm wouldn't reach him, but the quiet of the Trees would. The trees had long and spidery exposed roots. As we ran past, I inhabited the mind of a park director. He was sure that the people he was running with would damage one of the exposed roots in their flight and fear. Soon we were out of the rotunda, down past the lower hall — the exit — reminds me of a gymnasium with a lower entrance and upstairs rooms. We ran out of this and across to a barn — same as the machine barn with its forge at home. My consciousness divided itself between the park director and someone else. This someone else was more “me.” I bugged the park director by going back into the lower entrance hall of the rotunda. There was a small closet just inside the entrance way. I went to the closet, took out a small oblong block of wood set in the rear wall, and peered through small telescopes at instruments placed beneath the Park of the Trees at the center of the rotunda. My park director self was so annoyed that he left the girl he was with and grabbed my other self just as my other self was replacing the wooden block. He rushed me back up stairs and threw me into the Park of the Trees of Madness. He then ran out of the building.

Soon the park director felt remorse. He left his girl again and crept up to the tree park. There I was, in the lowest corner in a sort of classroom with large black boards between me and the trees.

The boards formed a sort of cubical room with the walls of the park. There was a door into this enclosure from the outside hall of the upper level, so the park director didn't have to go directly into the open park to find me. I had covered the boards with strange, systematic writing. I was mad alright, but not with fear, just stoned.

I knew that the trees in the park came from a different world and that they did things to people's minds when they could. I showed the park director a colored diagram of how there were algae or mold patches where the roots met under ground. These were good to eat and gave trips …

A moral to the story.

Don't seek enlightenment with some narrow system and old stale ideas. Let your mind run with the foolish children who run before the lightning and who write strange-stupid books. Take a hard look at them and what they fear. Leap straight into what they fear.

Try to take some if it home with you, but don't plan to use it directly again. Only the Park of the Trees of Madness with their moldy roots contains Divine Madness. The other is for those times when there is no storm about the garden or quiet under the Trees.

The concrete rotunda of the Park of the Trees of Madness was the sphere about the Cube of Space; it was the light about my sanctuary; and it was the cranium of my skull with the Trees of Madness and their gray-green grass as the nerves and gray matter of my brain.

Thus my trip is in my head and my best stone is in my own mind. I don't need dope; but it could be a sort of mirror … A pleasant change from the dry Qabbalistic stuff on the black boards, but drugs are just the same. The real soma isn't words or drug highs but mind madness.

Some of the images in this dream came from a story told me the day before about an encounter in Golden Gate Park.

The next day, I meditated on the gate HY for 23 minutes. My meditation was immensely strengthened through a chance event, a TV show of all things!

… Meditation spectacular. At 6PM, Bronson show came on TV with a nice-funckey-witch-type show. Earlier I had been working (on Crowley's “Lapidis Lazuli”) … and had discovered the full structure of “L.L.” Prologue and Chapters I and II in terms of IAO … when I saw the innocuous rites on the TV show, I went into my own. Some prelims, AMSh chants, etc. Full Goetia Bornless Ritual.

Very slow earth pentagram banishment. Chant of Prologue, Chapter I and part of Chapter II of “Lapidis Lazuli” complete with LVX to Iota Alpha Omicron . Full body involvement. When I sat down, I was wreathed and shrouded with energy. Set there conserving a while. Went into chamber and repeated Earth Pentagram banishment. Then Meditated, … Periods when my body consciousness seemed to grow and fall — like becoming larger and smaller. Desk top rose and fell in slow waves — subjectively like one to three feet. Very much in control of consciousness as a whole, just riding up and down as a package …

After this experience, I often used extensive warm-ups of ritual and chanting before meditation. The results improved considerably. The length of time in silent, unmoving meditation gradually but unevenly increased.

On June 28, 1971, Fr. Fons Numeris and I discussed the possibilities of his moving in to share my Oakland apartment. We had both worked long and hard on our spiritual development, and we had found no one but ourselves to listen to our discoveries. Loneliness is a part of this trip in the early stages. Later loneliness ends in one sense and increases in others.

Two more different people would be hard to find. F.N. had lived the life of a “Head;” I had been as “Straight” as a suit can make anybody. He had lived only in crowded surroundings; I had always lived alone. We both feared that our contrasts would be greater than our similarities. Each of us secretly said to himself; “If I can live with this one, I can take anything.” There was no question of homosexuality. Both of us were too up-tight to even consider such a relationship, except for paranoia about the other's intentions. He was outwardly mellow and inwardly hard. I was the direct opposite. In the time that we shared the same home, both in Oakland and later in San Anselmo, our characters gradually shifted. We each received some of the positive qualities of the other. We each lost the worst qualities which we had when our relationship began. Before we parted company, both F.N. and I became people who cannot be classified by terms like “Head” or “Straight.” We each became a little bit of all things. Such is the reward of determination and dedication to an ideal. There were times when we bugged each other intensely, but we continued to live under the same roof for several years. We shared the vision.

I began to meditate on the gates of Vau on July 4, 1971. My state of mind is reflected in the second-type meditations below:


7/4/71 e.v.

Listen my children and heed. I tell a tale of wonders and woes. You suffer and live, you pleasure and die; but you know not. You seek and find, you possess and lose; but you know not. You desire and grasp, you honor and attain; but you know not.

Behold a single hand with two fingers held together. All things are dual and one. Yet there is more, much more to tell.

This staff I hold once went wandering upon a mountain. It cast itself into a valley and hid itself from all. It passed into many things. A Magician held it to heaven; an Empress held it to living things; an Emperor held it to stone. I hold it to you. Another will come who will hold it on a mountain top. In another's hand it will become a rake to draw in souls. Other forms it will take, a blazing torch held near the ground, at tree, a serpent and one day you. This and other things have I to show.

Sit in silence and hear my words. Bear your silence with you.

Before all these “I AM” saith the Lord. I say you ARE also.

Gaze about you. I speak in a thousand, thousand forms and in a thousand, thousand ways. I am in everything, yet I am never still. I am the essence of change, yet I change never. When you listen not, I speak. When you strain to hear, I am dumb. Not in old thoughts will you find me. I have done my work therein. In new thoughts will you see me. I care nothing of time and who said what when. I sit never in the same chair twice. My robes I change from time to time.

To find me, seek; and having sought, leave go. When you call me, I come. I wait outside your mind. When your other guests depart, I enter in.

This first meditation on the gates of Vau was the first direct and unequivocal communication between my Guardian Angel and my mundane self in writing. All earlier communications were impersonal. Here the Angel speaks as the Hierophant of Tarot. After this time such communications came more often. They have frequently come during the second-type meditations, but they have come at other times. The Angel speaks to me by any way I can permit. If I can write the words, they are written. If I can hear them, they are heard. Only once, and that briefly, have I seen the form of this Higher Self. I may hope for more.

This was written after a mediation of thirty minutes duration. It contains a few important mysteries and methods.


7/22/71 e.v.

Upon the plane a thousand teachers. Each is true. Each says all the others lie. Each teaches a tale of unraveled thread. Each speaks of warp and woof. Each casts a net to catch souls. Each tells truth with lies.

Find a faith. Stand firm in it. Be baptized with water and with fire. Affirm the opposite of the faith. Then you shall baptized with piety and apostasy.

Seek ever the opposite in every thought. Only through negation may truth flow. Set two legs upon the ground. Raise two arms to heaven. Thus you burrow and fly.

A child sits in the temple. Learned men ask patronizing questions.

How old are you?……………. How young are you?
Who is your father? ………… My child.
Who are you? ………………. Who am I not?
Whence did you come? ……….. Where I am going.
What do you know of the Law? … Only what I Will to Know.

The doctors of the place are confused. They cry aloud: “Who has taught such devilish lies to a child? Who has schooled such insolence?”

The child, thinking the questioning still proceeding, points to an empty room behind a veil and says: “He taught me!”

Since the shedding of blood in the sanctuary is forbidden, the elders tell the child that he is holy and that he should depart. This seems the only course.

The child walks out of the temple and journeys back to his village. His home is poor. He enters an empty room after lifting a bit of cloth which serves as a door.

The priests of the temple go on worshiping outside their Holy of Hollies. The Child dwells in His.

On July 29, 1971 I succeeded in purchasing Volume I, Number 7 of the first edition of Crowley's “Equinox.” This very rare book was magically summoned to aid Fr. F.N. in his work and to begin an important phase in the acquisition of a magical library. This book contained “Sepher-Sephiroth”, a number dictionary composed by Allan Bennett and slightly augmented by Crowley. F.N. sought his work to confirm the labor he had undertaken, the composition of a great dictionary of Gematia (Qabalistic number-word mysticism). The work F.N. had accomplished to that date surpassed the Bennett-Crowley work. This realization gave much strength to future labors. F.N.'s dictionaries have continued to grow. When they are finally published, they will provide a source of Qabalistic discovery that will enable the Qabalah to rest upon an accessible basis for all who seek its mysteries. The next day brought Volume I, Number 9 of the “Equinox.”

The meditations of the gates of Chet began on the third of August, 1971. The second-type meditations which follow are, as usual, taken from 231.


8/3/71 e.v.

Into the center of a circular pool a stone is cast. The once calm waters are set in motion. Out from the central point spreads a circular ring of disturbed water — a wave. It strikes the edge of the pool and is reflected back toward the center. Shadows of light and dark play across the pool's bottom. The fish which dwell there are startled from their rest. They go darting about between and across the moving shadows of the ripples. Children gather about the pool to watch the antics of the fish.

A simple soul is drafted to serve in war, He knows nothing of violence and strife. Yet he learns of these and other matters. He learns of the ways of living and of dying. he learns of the ways of sparing and killing. There is much to do and much to avoid. There is a game to play which has no rules, yet must be learned. Some actions produce good effects, other ill. some of the ends require victories, others require defeats. Firm hands must guide to a goal set in the mind. This goal is always the other side of the field. It cannot be attained.

The dancer swings and sways within the place of the dance. His actions follow one another in exact sequence. They follow a plan that is known only to themselves. The dancer cannot decide his steps, the steps must decide the dancer.

Ask a banjo player if his fingers follow his mind or the strings.

This first meditation of the gates of Chet is an introductory lesson in magical attitude. The next meditation is a continuation of that lesson.


8/4/71 e.v.

In a darkened room a man stands alone. He is within a circle of fire. Without are lesser fires. The lesser fires seem to circle about the greater one as planets about the sun. The man, as the center, stands rigidly. He seems to be confined to a space like the shape of the double cube before him. The double cube is an altar. It holds magical weapons and pantacles of the planets. The man is also an altar. He also holds magical weapons and planets within his body. All that circles around him and all that stands before him have a single purpose. The outer signs call to their inner Lords. Those Lords stir in their sleep and quicken to active life. The man who dares such arts must exercise great care. Planets must have fixed orbits — lest they topple into each other and the Sun. Weapons must be properly arrayed. Solar and Lunar currents are directed up and down, across and back, into one thing or another. With great care indeed must the Magician raise his inner centers. He must confine and attune. The forces must be held within the frame. The centers must be located and gradually focused. There are many tools in the outer temple, but these can only dimly reflect the tools of the inner temple. Great art must be employed to make the links between the outer and the inner perfect.

Then and only then will the planets and weapons of the outer temple be magical — they will also become dangerous. Hence an outer altar to serve as body and Chariot (the Tarot Key corresponding to the letter Chet) for the outer weapons. Just as two hands bear that outer altar where it may be born, so also shall two currents of the mind bear the living body and Chariot where it will be born.

The next meditation details a magical operation similar to the visions of “Revelations”. This affords an example of the mental visions that attend magick.


8/4/71 e.v.

The bridegroom comes in splendor to the house of the bride. Many are his courtiers. Many are his trappings. The bride is decked with the ornaments of the Moon Princess. Her beloved has the light of the Moon in his eyes.

Hear, O'h child, a tale of woe and wonder. A child of joy and sadness has come into the world. He strides upon the waste with the steps of a giant. He whimpers at the breast with the voice of a child. His mother holds him dear but she knows nothing of his ways. She cannot see his need beyond a mother's milk. This she gives willingly. He takes suck from right breast and from left. His tiny hands drum on the emptied nipples. His mother cries out and lets him fall. Down, down, down, into the coils of the serpent universe he slides. Gasping in horror, his mother flings herself after him. The two forms merge a moment as they fall. The mother's heel strikes upon the serpent's head and crushes it. It shall not eat her baby. Blood gushes from the broken fangs and rises in a flood-tide of gore. The child laps it up with glee as his mother laughs madly. What dreams the blood brings! A serpent has two heads. When one is crushed the other wakes. There comes a twisting and a churning as the snake of heaven and hell seeks to crush the babe within its coils. The coils close upon the child and he is lost within. As bones crack to dust, the serpent's body trembles. The coils are stretched apart as though they were made of rubber. The babe was but the egg of God. He's broken now and hatched. The Ouroboros is a tight-stretched belt about his center as he rises beyond the sky. His mother's marks upon his frame, he has no mind of less than all. He casts his will upon the sea like a net to raise the treasures of the deeps.

The next meditation shows the exhaustion which often follows the peak of magical will. This is analogous to and may be identical with the immediate aftermath of sexual orgasm.


8/5/71 e.v.

A dark-wet thing lies crying upon the leaves. His mother is panting slowly and softly. Her eyes are closed and there is a happy smile on her face. She reaches down and does what she must for her child.

The child is wrapped closely and warmly. He sleeps long in his bindings. The garments he will wear when he passes into the grave will resemble the shroud of earliest life.

The child grows alone with his mother. No other children enter the garden. No outsiders come to teach him the ways of men. His mother fears that he will seek the profession which his father took.

Sheltered from all turmoil, the child grows into youth. No sword or swordsman has he seen. His innocence unbroken, he is Parzival. If he remained in the garden yet a little longer he would become the seed of Buddha. This is not to be. He shall be ripped from this leafy womb untimely for such fate.

Into his life will come strangers. A quest shall call to him and his unripe ears shall hear only the echo of that quest in the world. Forth in search of the echo he will fare. Many feats of strength will await him. He shall grow in power until he finds his echo in the Graal. If farther he shall go, it must be by the arts of Graal and Kundry.

After a 46 minute period of silent meditation on the letters of the next gate, this meditation came.

It describes the effect of successful magical ceremony on the Magician and illustrates the after-glow of intercourse.


8/5/71 e.v.

I walk with might upon the heads of my enemies. There is no god but God. I am God. I walk with the sword of vengeance and of fire. With the might of the winds I will the worlds to rise and set upon my brow. No power has mastery over me. The flames of Hell are one with the gentle breeze of Heaven. They matter not for me. From my mouth issue fangs of light and darkness. I grind the heavens and the earth as flesh and bones for my meal. My meal sustains me not. I need it not. The mangled remains of past ages I void as waste. No mountain can be seen with me. No valley can hide me. I am Lord of Lords. I am the dominion of dominions. In the spark of lust in a boy's eye I dwell. In the gasp of a girl's lost virginity I dwell. The roar of the rising sea of the will is my name. I am beyond the voice in the silence. Yet I am the surge of electricity that crushes the testicles of an electrocuted man. I am the jest made by a man as he is beheaded. I am the first smile a man returns to a stranger. I am the first bead of sweat upon the brow of a student, a laborer and a whore. Seek me if you are a Fool. Find me if you despise me. Lose me if you do anything twice. I am the lightning which destroys so completely that no place may endure to be the target of a second stroke.

This meditation reveals the purpose of highest magick to be unity with God. The fulfillment of sexual union is the same. On the day of this meditation, I bought the “Blue Equinox” in first edition and a reprint of the “Equinox of the Gods.”

The following meditation places emphasis on conservation of the magical-sexual force and suggests moderation between experiences.


8/6/71 e.v.

A mighty child grows slowly into manhood. Parzival is counseled on the conduct of a true knight. He realizes that might is not enough. From dumb nature he passes into reason. Moderation in desire perfects and frees will. Wild repine is disciplined into harmony.

Hear me my son! You must cease your violent madness. You are too strong for the game you play. You will destroy worlds without care. There is nothing in existence which does not speak to the soul. When you devour all things without restraint you lose the nature of things. It is a heady wine, I vow; but it is fast drunk and the lees are bitter. Sip awhile the wine of victory. Taste its beauty and enjoy its ways. The time of divine madness shall come again; for now, dwell with us.

Strike not against the stranger. You were made as well as grown. So too were others. Give the slower children time to reach thee. Play well, not with wanton violence. Create as well as destroy.

Saturnalia is for Alpha and Omega; the bulk of the letters lie between. Blend your wine with water.

Remember you have now a Father, not only all-devourer but all-begetter. He moderates his ways from black to blue. Exchange Chronos for Zeus. No wheel turns in the dread silence beyond eternity.

Preserve the silence of the creaking wheel.

I am like your father, concluded the wizen old king. Heed my words and become a true knight.

8/8/71 e.v.

Meditation in Turnersville, New Jersey. This included a good deal of introspection about physical violence. In early childhood I had occasionally struck my playmates in anger or frustration. This sort of thing was usually provoked and resulted in minor injury. I became very disturbed by this violence.

As a result, I withdrew from physical attack. By the time I entered High School, I had become incapable of striking a blow in anger. I avoided occasions of violence and the more violent forms of activity. Physical Education became abhorrent to me … I avoided it whenever I could. I grew to detest sports and most forms of social activity. Eventually this led to prudishness and a total rejection of emotion. I set my goal on becoming a scientist, later a physicist. This goal I attained, and found wanting. By rejecting violence at too early an age and by the extreme nature of my rejection I had seriously arrested my human development. In terms of the Tree of Life, I had become obsessed with the left hand path and had abandoned almost all levels of consciousness but Hod and Malkut. Yesod tormented my dreams and Netzach tortured my waking hours. All this was the result of denial of emotion and elevation of the intellect beyond its proper place. The time had come to reassess the situation. Great changes had occurred in the last two years. These changes were largely the result of meditation. My evolution resumed. I returned to adolescence to learn the lessons of a man.

Perhaps the most serious retarded development that needed attention involved sexuality. So greatly had I fallen behind in my growth in this area that I hadn't even masturbated until my twenty second year. This harmless and innocent activity is a major outlet for the disturbing energies that lead to violence if not directed. Because I took so long to come to so simple a solution, I long suffered from meaningless fears and frustrations. At puberty I ran to fat instead of after girls. I abstained from social sexuality from fear of harming others. This fundamental misconception was intensified by the religious dictates of the Roman Catholic Church. I had to break with this faith of my childhood, for it nearly destroyed my life for God and Man. Perhaps someday I will be partly reconciled to Christianity, but I will never again accept the dictates of external authority over the workings of my mind and soul. External religion exists only to coordinate the efforts of believers. God has no direct part of religion. Religious faith attaches to God through the human soul. Without the inward link to God, religion is only social. I believe in God and dedicate my life to God, by I reject the established religions as mediators of my union with God. One can find fellowship through religions, but no external source can replace God's quiet inward voice. Especially useless are the fearful counsels of sex-hating, celibate priests and nuns. Sexuality is the religion of nature. Procreation is not the primary object of sexual union — nor is it to be rejected as less than a beautiful secondary purpose. People have sex to become one. There is no more perfect prayer or greater Magick.

At this time, I came to believe Virginity to be the most dire form of sexual perversion, the utter frustration of all its proper ends. It took more than another year before this great hatred of my own virginity subsided enough to permit a reconsideration. Some of the meditations which follow will trace this interior battle and its consequences. Only when I could no longer hate my lack and need of sex could my development in this area continue. While virginity remained with me, I ceased to fear it. Had I the habits of successful adolescence, I would have surpassed this limitation long before. I awaited with longing for my second birth.

On the 12th of August, I came to these conclusions:

I observe that magical workings of the more extreme sort are probably improper for me until I have:

  1. engaged in heterosexual intercourse.
  2. lost about 30 pounds or more.
  3. found a better place to live.
  4. established a more stable income.
  5. studied more.

This, of course, does not imply any alteration of the current course of events. Specifically; no blood offerings, no physical abuse, no sex magick, no group workings, no active attempts to start a cult.

Basically what will be needed is: more meditation, study, physical control, mental control (control = discipline), modesty of claims in conversation, etc.

Most of the above conditions should be worked out within the day, month and year (correct!). Two to three years should see me ready to practice in very earnest (Subsequent events did not greatly alter this assessment. The time was shortened somewhat.). Before then, many of the established rituals will be worked as training for the Great Work of devising and executing ritual.

On the 17th, I went to New York and did some book hunting. I failed to get another “Equinox,” but I did get a first edition of Stenring's translation of the “Sepher Yetzirah.” This book freed me from slavish dependence on the system of the Golden Dawn. I have retained the Dawn system in most of my work, owing it its superiority over other western systems in wide use. I use it as an available language, not a doctrine. My experiences and meditations may be understood by the users of any occult system, but what I have written will be most easily and completely understood in the Dawn system and in Crowley's revision of that system. On the same day that I purchased the Stenring in New York, Fr. Fons Numeris purchased a reprint of it in California.

When I returned by air to California, I had a brief stop-over in Chicago. I used my time there to check book stores by phone. This led to more copies of the “Equinox.”

I returned home to my apartment in Oakland on the 24th of August, 1971. That was the first day of my mediations on the gates of Tet. With these gates, I began to redirect my sexuality into proper emotional and rational channels.

Until I was able to face the implications of my sexuality, I could not advance beyond the path of Taw into Yesod. The passage was finally made through mind.

My higher self gave many counsels during this time. This next example advises simplicity and openness in contacting the personal God.


8/26/71 e.v.

One follows another; chained links of a silver belt go by. They know nothing and they say nothing. A man comes to number the links. He casts images upon them and calls them gods. His gods are dumb. His prayers are sent from one end of the belt around to the other. There is no end.

How may the girth be tightened or loosened? What can a man do when his very gods are mute? To dance and leap and run requires only a place to stand. There is no need for many things. No eyes to watch. No voice to speak. Call to the wind and hear in its whispers what you will. Take a bit of clay and mold it into your own form. Pass the clay through fire and dress it in doll's clothes. Set it on a throne of glass and burn waste before it. Call upon it for oracles and forebodings. It will answer not. Why have gods who are silent, without will? Why pray to stone and steel and earth and air? May as well ask water of the doings of fire.

To find a god, rest still and hold. Draw on time and dizziness. Ask nothing. Send your mind into a dark place of fears and madness. When you withdraw you will have seen and heard God. Yet all the time you will be alone.

The gates of Yod began on September 5, 1971. These meditations brought increased skill, began the search for a place to live and work, and laid the foundation for major changes in the technique of the meditations.

The first of these Yod meditations counseled detachment from worldly concerns. All such things are subject to exaggeration — they move the body but the soul need not be disturbed. Another force moves the soul.


9/5/71 e.v.

Darkness reigns, and light is but a point in the primeval night. On a lofty peak stands the wizard of the land of dreams and wakening. He leans upon his staff, old but strong. He is alone as no one else has ever been. Wind howls about the crags, but stirs not the least hair of his head and moves not the folds of his garment. To the mad children below there sometimes comes a wind which is no wind. A wind is heard where none is felt. Trees are seen to blow and come crashing to earth; yet, in the morning, all is as it was; no trees have fallen. Such it is with the Old Man. For him all winds have ceased to blow save the soft breeze of the soul. The storms that hurl mountain tops at one another are but silent shadows to the Watcher. In him blows a Wind of Winds. In his every part there is a rushing and a whirling which knows no end and no beginning. Pitying the children of the low places, the Watcher raises his lamp over the Abyss. Forth from the flame of the lamp he directs the Wind to blow. It courses to the six directions of space, this Wind which moves nothing, yet is ever blowing.

In the quiet places of the valleys the wind of the flame goes questing for a soul. It finds its way between the trees and stones and enters at last into the heart of a child. The child stirs in his sleep as he seems to see tall trees moving and blowing in a silent wind. Calling aloud the child wakes. About him nothing moves, yet dimly now he hears the sound of the Wind.


[FIGURE #11: place half page illustration of a large Yod in outline. Within is an Aleph formed by the three letters of Yod spelled in full in the traditional manner (Yod upper right, Vau part diagonal Dalet as upper left diagonal and lower left.). In addition, each component is composed of the following groups of letters: Yod, 3 mothers. Vau, 12 singles & Dalet, 7 doubles.]


The next meditation ran the gamut of distractions and exposed such things to my attack. One change that came of this was a reduction in the importance of the amount of objective time involved in a meditation. I had confused the time a meditation lasted with the quality of the meditation. After this I began to avoid thinking about the time during meditation. The duration was recorded with interest, but only as a measure in the outer world of the body, not the inner world of the mind.


9/5/71 e.v.

I sit in the accustomed place and compose myself. A comfortable position, upright and secure. I close my eyes, or fasten their gaze upon a thing unmoving, simple and solitary. I'm off.

What time did I start? Ah, yes, 7:08. Let's see if I can get it up to thirty minutes. How about an hour! Stop that! Don't think about the end of the meditation! Don't think! I feel a drawing sensation. Magical lines form between me and the picture. I wonder what time it is? Run down to the store. Get some toilet paper … I feel a sense of excitation. My muscles are slowing changing my posture — that's it. The card's flashing. There are dim images of other things now. Flashlight batteries for the radio. I'm going up. Light changes and forms appear. My vision is unfocused. Oops, I just focused again. Maybe it will help. Strange marks on the card. — words — sure. I mus'n't examine them now. Later. — I bend close to guess at a word. Car noises in the street. What's a car? Ah! I don't know, I must be gettin it on. A car is a motor vehicle that serves as trans…. Nuts! Give up? Keep it on. My chair creaks — I start. Electricity by God! Where was I? I shouldn't sense these things. Breathing is regular. Stop that! Not the breathing, the monitoring. Stop thinking about thinking! Can masturbation restrict Kundalini force! I hope not. My cock still has feeling in it so that should be ok. As a matter of fact I'm a little horny. Good. Back to the meditation. Should I concentrate on my cock or my throat or my chest or my head or my whole body or what? I should do whatever works. Here it comes. There it goes. I looked and the whole thing fizzled out. What time is it? Bet I've been going a half hour. Probably not. If it's noticeable it's not there. I feel like stopping. Of course not! Now's the time for the big one. I can't feel my hands! I'm on! I feel my hands. Oh fuck! That's it. Ahh… The time is …

And another one: This time less distraction. Emotional contentment predominates. Spontaneous distractions arise but pass under willed indifference and resignation. A key is found in active resignation. All distractions, physical sensation or thoughts alone, are embraced by a simple love and forgotten. The body falls away and only a slight awareness of it remains. The meditation is broken several times by waves of motion seen in stationary objects and by sudden side-slips of objects held in sight. Highest levels are reached after resignations and after superficial distraction — just enough to draw attention from the act of meditation but not enough to start an emotion-laden train of thought.

The following written meditation followed an unforced meditation in silence of 80 minutes duration. The time in the mind was much less than the time in the physical world. The subject of the meditation was profound and the experience powerful.


9/6/71 e.v.

A stone shines in darkness. From its many facets go rays of lambent force. They are as the spines of a sea creature which radiate with purposeful strength. Upon the spines are spun webs of spiders and of dreams. The webs veil the stone. They catch the light in their narrow filaments and glow as lines across the cosmos. Who can see to count the facets of the stone? About us nothing but filaments of force and light. They travel endlessly and purposelessly. Why dream of follies and seek to unravel the mind-knot? Draw strength to a bursting of your soul and body. Make of it a shaft of hardened fire and light. Yourself the point of the lance. Fly into the Gordian madness. Burst the strands of mindlessness. Strike through into the heart of the cube. Strike out the spark that is god. Set your raging fire in the place of shattered cube and dethroned god. In a moment all is burned away, even yourself, even the flame. Darkness grows as the closing jaws of a dragon of ice about the burned cinder of you. You see but cannot think. You feel but cannot touch. Far out in the darkness a thin radiance takes form. Far, far out the edges of a vast cube form as smoke-blue specters in the vastness. You are in the center as the edges become your extensions. Filaments project and webs begin to form.

Sound example and advice. This method works!

The next meditation was weak:

5 min. on Keys 9 & 4. 231 & Yod. Meditation perfunctory. I am distracted by my guests having sex together last night. Maybe I'll get in soon. In the mean time I'll hang on.

My Angel began forcing attention to my sexual immaturity through events in the physical world.

This manner of instruction was long in the teaching.

This example exposes my state of consciousness at this time. Some of the dialogue reported may have been hallucinated — otherwise, the description is factual.


9/7/71 e.v.

“Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.”

In the darkness come sighs and sounds of love. I lay without. I sweat and shake. My will is to enter into the joys — yet I hang back. Reason tells me that advances are welcome. Yet I do nought but sweat and shake. My mind invents coverts and overts to perplex my desire and to shroud it from fulfillment. I will go only to look, to see if love is truly free. Yet I hang back. Too strong the drive, too strong the doubt. Fire wrestles fruitlessly with chains of life-long cowardice. Only a sweat-soaked bed to show.

Voices come. “Should I go to him? He heard me too.” … “If he wants to, he'll come here.” Oh, yes! But how? I can scarce sit this bed let alone navigate there. I've lost my erection! Not in pleasure have I lost it, but in waiting. Not in ejaculation but in hopelessness. How go there? Am I to stammer out “Ffff - fa - fa - fuoo - oo - fuck!”? No way. How abet, should she come here, I'll manage some way. Thus grasping on dim hopes I sweat and shake the hours away. Four times, more or less, she comes into the room next to mine to make ablutions. Can I call out? No Sir! Dim hope hides behind false plan, and no whispered “Hi!” is heard. What to do? No way is open. By defying true will at first approach and later, currents of bliss teach the same lessons behind banks of cold pain.

Bashfulness is a hard thing to pass through. Time and magick did it, but not easily.

The Angel is not adamant in forcing lessons. Respite is always granted when willingness to learn is manifested. This meditation came.


9/8/71 e.v.

Come to the celebration of Life! Give joy to the wind that it bear you upward. Shake loose the wings of fire that rest upon your back. Spread wide those gleaming wings. To your hand comes a radiance not to be mistaken. Tendrils of light twist and spin about. Tell thoughts to the air and watch them glow in lambent flame. Send out a blade of light to send happy phantoms tumbling away. Rise up to embrace the Sylphs. They dance on their wings as yours move slowly, ponderously, bearing world after world dustily up from the caverns. Crystal and amethyst are the wings. Glowing clouds shape moment by moment to your passing will. Dim scenes are formed with gray puppets moving in frames of flaming vermilion. No earthly sky can be where such visions exists; no ground, no Earth can abide. Only the spirits of air, fire and water swim the sky of dreams. Dragons form and vanish with their crenelated splendors. All do homage in sinuous dance to their creator.

Yet all this stuff is but the passing of a moment. There is some small and hidden key, a latch to turn to direct the magic-lantern show upon a screen in the larger mind we call the World Outside.

I derived great pleasure from the presence of my guests as soon as I got over my sexual freak.

Much love grew in small ways.

As a blessing of this quiet love, my Angel sent me a gentle happening.

9/12/71 e.v.

While writing … a dandelion seed entered my room unnoticed and settled itself on the arms of Shiva (a statue of Shiva dancing in a ring of twenty-two flames) — the holy shrine above my desk. …The seed looked so like a star burning clear and silver in the arms of Lord Shiva that I fixed it there with a drop of glue … (In retrospect, it would have been far better to let it drift away. This act itself was symptomatic.)

After a 42 minute meditation — for all its medium length, the best to that time — a special technique of meditation was recorded. This method became a standard in times of trouble and in times of great ease. No surer way to quietly break free exists than simply to seek the moving point that moves not.


9/21/71 e.v.

Take firm in hand thy soul. Sit fixed, not rigid, not relaxed. Send thoughts about the place. let one thing be another. Dreams lie. Eyes see. What can you see? Gaze into the depths and heights of the soul. Find a flitting lightness that is madness. Let it fasten on nothing. Trace letters and swirls and volutes with the divine spark. Let it alight nowhere. Draw near. Rush around. Go past. Fly back. Trace letters of glowing gold in pentagrams of lambent glory. No hand moves in flesh. A single white- glowing finger writes each line. The chariot of the mind is drawn at breakneck speed by a diamond point of gray light. Eyes are the hands on the reins of this chariot. No calmness and no terror. Only swift dartings and rapid motions. Why call aloud? Why move about? Follow the darting thought. It has no substance of its own. It clothes itself in forms of things. Grant it no rest. Let no form be assumed. Swiftly passes the point of being and ending. Nowhere may it focus. Nowhere may it be. Nowhere may it end. Substance it has none. Substance is not granted it. In wild abandonment the thing that is thought and nothing to think of rushes in and out, above and below. Darkness grows. Dimness in the mind. A chance to sleep. Yet chance refused. Thought may not even rest in that. Through the veil of sleep refused passes thought. Light blooms slowly as did darkness. By its new extremity, thought fixes on a higher plane. Light grows in all surroundings. In body grows a libidinous fire — yet cold as a draft of air. The head wears a wreath of thick air as the light grows brighter. Then back the spent will. Slowly the light and other sensations fade. One step has been briefly touched. The soul has by main-strength pulled itself upward. Yet unexercised and unenduring, it settles back. Strive often and attain in earnest. Construct a chinning-bar of aspirations and build muscles of madness.

This is one path to expand consciousness. The meditations later brought a way to hold the goal attained. Freedom from desire and from major fluctuations in the mind strengthens meditation. The rapid dartings of thought prevent narrow concentrations of attention. By this means stillness of thought is obtained through motion of thought.

The next meditation brought peace and a vision of the Chakras.


9/22/71 e.v.

Take no heed of day-to-day. Hope not. Seek not. Live ever in the brilliant flame of being. Shine the light that has no source. Fashion feelings and sensations. Gaze with the look of a cretin upon wonders beyond wisdom. No understanding can pass. Now wisdom can reach. Fire without heat. White-golden radiance inhabiting the very air. What can anyone do to be in such glory? I exist. No being, only light. From the light craft a body. The body make like your old shell. Let the shell be a frame-work to the pattern. About the temples and the rear of the skull a band of many-petaled light, a loose crown of soft and multiple touching. Hair gone to Glory. About the throat a band of wonder, holding tight yet yielding to the breath. Within the chest a golden radiance. It fills more than a body. Yet it is more than heart and lungs. Within the loins burns a buzzing glowes. Pleasure is there in gentle sensations beyond description. The whole is a body like a beam of solidified light making love to a Universe of light and being loved sensually in return. What wheel? I am the axis of a wheel of wheels.

The basis of my consciousness changed. I gained the quiet inner life that is the seed of the Tree of Life. This seed has grown.

I learned a needed secret, a method almost too simple to believe.

The secret of holding the high seems to be in simply recognizing no need to terminate the mental state of the meditation. … it should be possible to keep a cumulative effect …

This eventually freed me from the wheel of twice daily meditation and enabled me to live equally in the physical and higher worlds. The meditations continued, but time had no dominion over them after this discovery. Close retirement from the world of living men had ended. Gradual return began.

The time was coming to build up a version of the Tree of Life in the physical world. My thoughts moved with magical force toward Malkut. I sought a holy place for the work.

The next meditation brought a vision of the Cube of Space of the “Sepher Yetzirah”. This was one of the tools needed for remaking my world. Later, I devised a ritual for this Cube of Space whereby it may be built up in the astral as a microcosm of absolute strength. This meditation ritual is given in Appendix D. Here is the first form in which this ritual manifested to me:


9/23/71 e.v.

Behold a vision of the frame-work of the Wheel.

Aleph — a glowing pillar of yellow air and life itself stands fixed in the Abyss. For infinities above and infinities below its passage is unbroken. About the shaft are twined two serpents. On the serpents are each two heads. They intertwine their yellow bodies in living convolutions … about the radiance of Aleph.

Bet — above, a shining pool of yellow water looks down upon creation. Gravity is not defied, gravity is justified. Within the pool are stars which swim like fishes. Where Aleph enters are pools of iridescent yellow and while. Thus the canopy of Bet.

Gimel — below, a pool of blue of night. Darkness lives to floor the Universe with calmness. Into the heart of the pool enters Aaleph like a shaft of love into a womb of desire. Dim shapes dance in the glory of fire in water as fishes swim like stars. Thus the place of Gimel.

Dalet — to East, a wall of verdant green to hold the loveliness of living things. From the sheet of golden heaven to the floor of midnight blue there is a fertile mixing to produce the green of the Mother's garments. Through the wall of Emerald enter the living children; through the door of Dalet.

Heh — to North-East stands a scarlet sentinel. He is a radiant line against the encroachment of disorder. From North-East emanates a Father's cares and labors. By Mother's side he stands, reaching Heaven and Earth in single pose — stands Heh.

Vau — to South-East rises a column of Red-Orange splendor. This is the ever wakeful watcher who guards the children's play. He counsels at the side of the Mother concerning that which is above and below — counsels Vau.

Zain — above the Eastern gate of Heaven rests the lintel of the door. Upon its Orange-glowing substance are written these words: “Remember that ye love one another. Stand firm as these two pillars that are wardens of the door. Be joined like them in me or be sundered by the sword called Zain.”

Chet — below the East face rests a boat for voyage of the sea. Enter it O'h you who are children and voyage past the Pillars of Hercules — voyage in the Yellow-Orange protection and security of firm Chet.

Tet — high in the North shines Yellow the reflected glory of the Morning Star. He rides high in the pool of Heaven even though he is hidden when he seems below. Aspire O'h children to his serpent's strength. Call to the Peacock Angel if you will. Soon shall come answer to your call — answer from a hidden Tet.

Yod — below the North is upraised a warning hand. The seas beyond this point are uncharted. Strange monsters and terrors await beyond this water gate of Yellow-Green. Do not go unprepared through the gate whose basement cope is Yod.

Kaph — in the West is heard a sound of great beauty and of great danger. There the sirens call to mariners at sea. Danger threatens in the Violet stones of the sea of the West. Yet gold is there in the heights of that stony place. A place to try your fortune — Kaph.

Lamed — in the North-West stands a tall Green tree. Upon it are boughs of heavy weight. Yet it stands tall between the waters, both above and below, for its weight is equal to each side. Deep go its roots in Heaven and its branches brush the Earth. Thus stands the tree of Lamed.

Mem — blue waters rush across the Abyss in a race from Mother East to Mountain West. The waters mingle with the air of life in the center of creation. There is no need to fear the fall of the waters of this ever-flowing stream into the seas above or below. It runs firm and true in its bed between yesterday and today. Thus flows the midmost sea called Mem.

Nun — in south-West stands a Blue-Green column of foreboding aspect. Yet its color is that of life and of the sea … Nun is the change in the restless seas admixed with the forms of living things. Thus stands the spawning place of fishes and stars — stands Nun.

Samekh — a Western sky alight with rays of faint Moon-light. The Blueness of that place is a rest to the weary and a reward to those who climb the West wall. Yet not for long may the rectified of North-West remain in rest. Soon the well known fate of South-West draws them into graves — from the harmony of Samekh.

Ayin — below the West, upon the margin of the lower sea, lies open the Blue-Violet mouth of Hell. There are the souls of damned children. From that place comes moans …; yet no fetters hold the unhappy ones at the feet of Ayin.

Peh — Red glory of a fire in the North gate. See now the warning of Yod. It is a path to tread, yet only those who ride the horses of thunder safely venture there. Burned bodies of false creatures fall from a mouth of a more terrible Hell — from the mouth of Peh.

Qof — Crimson light upon the desolate docks beneath the southern gate draws strange shadows to the right and left of that last cold place. Children leave the Boat of Earth by this holy shore. The quiet place of life's last weakness — the shore of Qof.

Resh — glory of the Orange star of the eternal Southern Dawn, glory to the children at the joy of their homecoming. Brighter than a thousand suns of Earth is the glory of the open gate of life eternal — life of Resh.

Shin — from the bow of the Father of Lightings leaps a shaft of fire. Across the Abyss from burning North to glorying South leaps the flame. Fire, water and air mingle with great report in the center. Thus the act of Red Shin.

Taw — Darkness brighter than all the light that ever was burns in the center of creation as the God of All takes up his throne amid the conjoined elements — the six rayed cross, the throne of Taw.

The next meditation dealt with proportion. I had often experienced trouble in doing things because of wrong circumstances, wrong mood or physical discomfort. This difficulty decreases through careful choice of activity to suit circumstance. I usually tried to ignore external conditions, and this was long a source of frustration.


9/24/71 e.v.

Ask not for warm days in Winter. Seek not snow in Summer. To each event and each activity a time, condition and circumstance is appointed.

Some days are suited to examination of the glories of the soul. Some days are proper to the elaboration of those glories. The canvas is behind the paint all the time, but do not look to see it from the front. When the body and the mind join to give a mild disorientation, without impairing the imagination, that is the time to experience what drifts in the astral. When body and mind are sluggish but obedient, there is insufficient fluidity of view. At later times build the unseen; labor now at what can be done. Yet never twice the same. Now, all is ripe save responsive memory. Now, all is well for memory but not the rest. Attend what's there.

Yet somewhat this may deceive. A time of forced growth may find natural growth in its wake and not let it be recognized. When a mind concentrates on setting free the reins of constraining emotions and enlisting more obedient ones, the mind may soon be free and high. Yet how's the state to be recognized when that which opposed is gone. Without contrast there is little to see. Perhaps a state of consciousness, once attained, looks much like any other state — yet is not like any other. In despair attention wanders from the course appointed and by degrees the hard won ground is lost. Let not this happen! When feelings lessen it is only another part of growth. After Isis comes Apopis. Only then is attainment rectified and made permanent. Only after symbolic death may Osiris be reborn.

For doubters let a single look be given. All that's there is all that was. Only old presence has habituated the mind to mark not what it knows too well. Soon the changed will change the changed and thus the change will grow. Between discovery and full possession must a time elapse.

These same thoughts were paraphrased in the last of the second-type meditations of the gates of Chet:


Call the tale of the wheels within wheels. Answer that call with all that is within you. Forth go whirlings. Everyone is a part of every other. No void exists. None can exist. Within the mortal housing turn great wheels of wonder and power. Bearing on these wheels are many levers. Each lever is driven by a single thought. Each thought says sometimes “No,” then “Yes.” Sometimes “A little more.” sometimes “A little less.” These thoughts are the escapements of the wheels of more than mortal power. The whole of a man's mastery is in the governing of these thought-levers. If his will is weak, he will not set the levers strongly enough. If his will is troubled, he will not settle clearly which lever is to govern which wheel. If he is as all men, he will set wheel turning against wheel in his confusion, doubts and vacillations. The wheels are immortal. The levers are immortal. Man's body is the only point of weakness. When wheel moves against wheel the body breaks. These breaks afright the soul. The soul inhibits proper control by pulling thought-levers at random — upsetting the good as well as that which works harm. Thus pain and sorrow.

Yet even these, yet these, the very wheels of power are dreams before the things beyond them. And those things beyond are less than dreams before the One-Thing. And the One-Thing is not before the NO THING WHICH NEITHER IS NOR IS NOT.

I evolved a series of exercises for the period of intensive meditation that precedes the written meditations. These exercises are usually done in the mind alone, but they can be done aloud with appropriate movements of the entire body. The first of these was a simple recitation of Crowley's “Lapidis Lazuli” from memory. Only the Prologue and first chapter were used in this way. This poetic work holds strong images, ranging from very mundane to very startling. The whole recitation, silent or aloud, prepares the mind for deeper meditation. The poem was usually followed by the Lesser Pentagram Ritual of the Order of the Golden Dawn. This ritual clears the mind and establishes an astral barrier against obsessions and trivial thoughts. The Pentagram Ritual was followed by a ritual projection of the Yetziratic Cube of Space. This projection establishes a magical universe about the mind. Effectively, the Cube is a three-dimensional magical circle that reinforces and extends a similar circle produced by the Lesser Pentagram Ritual. Various other special mediations and techniques were added and tried at different times. My own version of the Lesser Pentagram Ritual is given in Appendix C. My Cube of Space Projection ritual is in Appendix D.

Ritual exercises are very valuable in several ways. Recitation of poetry helps to quiet the mind and affords a rhythm for thinking. The actual bit of poetry used is not a matter of much consequence. It is only important that the poetry stir the mind with many images. Good meter is useful in recitation, and it can be significant in silent use. Various techniques of chanting and vibration are worth trying.

Complex, short rituals like the Lesser Pentagram are very good for mental projection. The various motions and perambulations of the imagined body are often the hardest things to project or visualize.

When such visualizations are successful, they increase the powers of the mind. Centering rituals like the Cube of space are a good way to maintain balance and control in mediation.

More will be said about these various matters below. The Bibliography lists many helpful books on ritual. The various works by Aleister Crowley are especially valuable for information on rituals and meditation techniques.

In September of 1971, I saw a film bases on the historical case of the possessed nuns of Loudun, called “The Devils.” This film provided a curious experience. Almost the entire audience was appalled at the horror of the thing. Fr. Fons Numeris and I enjoyed it as a fine comedy. I take this to be a sign of detachment from some of the ridiculous fears that plague the majority of humanity. The film presented a beautiful combination of ridiculous behavior. The historical accuracy of the thing made it even more funny. If the people who were so disturbed at its brutality had seen its lighter sides, they might have lost many needless fears. Most of the things we think of as “heavy” or “oppressive” are no more than jokes, ill understood. It is well to remember that God has a rather large sense of humor.

A meditation on the gate KS provided curious visions.

From my Occult Diary, 9/27/71 e.v.

At times visions came. Yet these visions were gentle and not burning in pain. They were of light.

In one, I perceived myself, in white brilliance, climbing up out of a hole of light into a cubical room of light. In another vision I beheld a vast plane of light with men (the 24 Elders) dressed as sages in shining garments. I was welcomed and shown a place reserved among their number for myself.

There were scenes in which I was being incarnated into the form of one of the sages, his = my face before my face of flesh. So close to desire and so seemingly amenable to my will was this series of visions, that I decided to dismiss them as selfwilled and created. Yet when I came to do the gates, I found that a meaning of KS is throne — that of Ezekiel's vision and of God. The gate fit the whole experience and vision.

My meditations had grown a bit stale. Each of them carried much power in many ways, but something was lacking. I experienced great joy and was carried to high places, but something was needed to bring the whole into perfection. I could continue to unfold internally as long as I wished, but this was not enough to be my whole purpose. Part of the problem lay with my Oakland apartment. I was free to make many alterations, yet I was not in my own house. I craved an outer dwelling into which I could reflect my inner experiences. I needed a magical house.

Marin county seemed the place to look for such a house. It was close enough to San Francisco and the East Bay to offer good chances for work, and it had a pastoral quality that I craved. To be in a place where people smiled at strangers and took no offense at trifles was my desire. I had enough money from an inheritance, and I took the necessary steps.

The gods showed their agreement with my plan. I called a real estate agency over the phone and arranged for an appointment to be shown houses. Several days later I went to San Rafael to see what could be found. This journey seemed at first to be a failure. No one was at the agency office to greet me or to keep the appointment. Through lack of anything better to do, I waited a little over a half hour.

At last a person came. He knew nothing of my appointment, but consented to show me listings and to help me if he could. Neal Farley, that was his name, did well by me. I spent about an hour going over the listings for homes. I found few, and most of those proved to be no longer on the market. Armed with a small collection of possibilities, we set out to look at houses.

While passing through San Anselmo, Farley suddenly cut off the main street and ran the car up onto a traffic island. He had thought of a place to show me that we hadn't considered. “This house,” he said, “is a little over what you want to pay, but it's overpriced and they'll come down.” I went with him to look.

The house had minor interior damage from settling foundations and the like, but it was magnificent. There were many large, well placed rooms. Through careful use of several doors, the house could be divided into three distinct living spaces; no problem with privacy. Most important, the master bedroom was perfect to serve as a temple! The house I sought had to have enough rooms to leave one free for consecrated use and study. This house was surrounded by an ample and wild garden — all the better!

Reluctantly, I took leave of this first, chance example of what I needed in a home. Farley took me to see several other places. All were too small and too public. All were occupied — the idea of waiting on a lease was too much. My thoughts kept coming back to the first house. It was twice the size of any of the others and perfect in all respects. There were good omens about the place. Behind the house itself there was a small lattice house for plants — much like the oratory described in “The Book of the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage.” The realtor's sign in front of the place was for the “Abrams” co., a word play on the name Abramelin and the name of Abraham, the editor of that same grimoire. These omens did not decide me, but they confirmed me in my liking for the place. Eight rooms and a large garden — just what I needed. The owner was asking $32,000; a thousand dollers for each of the thirty-two paths of the Tree of Life! I asked Farley to see what he could do.

Several days later, I learned that the owners had reduced their asking price to $29,000 before being contacted and were willing to listen to an offer. After weeks of legal proposals and inspections, the house was reduced in price to $26,000, and tentative agreements were signed. This number too has symbolic significance. The numerical value of the Tetragrammaton, the great name of God of four letters, the name Jehovah, YHVH, is equal to 26 by the ancient Qabalistic method of gematria. I bought the house at a price a thousand times blessed by the name of God.

I first saw the house under the influence of the gate KQ, on September thirteenth, 1971 e.v. I took possession on November 5th, 1971 e.v., between the gates of Koph and Lamed, halfway through the meditations on the 231 gates (twice repeated). I had purposely delayed the meditations so that this exact point would be reached. Half the meditations were done while I lived in Oakland. The other half began in the house in San Anselmo. The delayed meditations were not broken ones; I had learned to stretch time in the physical world without altering time in the inner world.

In my new home, the events of the soul became mirrored in the forms and events of the environment. This had happened before to me, but not so profoundly or so completely.

The stretching of the time between meditations was not easy at first. My diary for November 1st records: “I pine for the time of regular meditation. It is harder to endure life without it. This is the last gate meditation before the gates of Lamed. May the matter of the new house be soon concluded.

It is as though I am a lover abstaining from my beloved — that our love might burn the brighter.”

Although I started sleeping in my new home almost at once, things had to be done before I could properly begin the meditations in it. I had to prepare the temple. This I did, painting it black on walls, windows and ceiling all in a single night. I consecrated it by Act of Will, to Binah, the third Sephira on the Tree of Life. I undertook to consecrate other rooms to other Sephiroth of the Tree.

I brought to my new home an old blacksmith's forge and tools from the family ranch in the North of California. Heidricks have lived there for more than a hundred years. The forge was used by my Grandfather and my Father. I shall use it to craft what will be needed in the time of need.

The familial Gates:

AB —- Father —- Yod
AM —- Mother —- Heh
BN —- Son ——- Vau
BTh — Daughter – Heh

My Higher Self began to teach me how to externalize my meditations in works. Before this could be done, currents of mental force had to be measured and adjusted. The next meditation brought a vision of these forces and of that which moves in all things.


11/30/71 e.v.

The Lord of the Sacrifice welcomes his gift. Set the order of the ways in shadows of eternal darkness. A river flows in ordered silence between its banks. Few know of its existence. Even the river-master thinks little of it. Yet it flows and bears all traffic from one port to another. Well ordered indeed is the river which is kept in silence between its banks. What comes is received. What departs is let go. No hanging back, no hindering, no regrets. Why should a check be made in a perfect flow? Should not eternity be left eternal? Answers and questions there are none. An artist of high renown set the river in its place. It's not for bosuns to contemplate a change.

With season, the river rises; it overflows its banks. Yet all is order still. The spreading waters journey into channels and into prepared places. Harmony prevails in the flood as in the flow. This is the true sacrifice. If blood would flood or flow — so be it. One river is like to another. Husbandry depends on the flood as much a the flow. Harm cannot come where there is a channel well prepared and a grave to receive. In time, commerce. In time, the inundation.

Life is a flowing and a flooding river. Sacrifice to the perfection of the whole.

There is a current which flows in and beyond matter. Sacrifice to its perfection and ascend in radiance of its waters.

The sacrifice is of the Lesser Will, that places doubts in the way of action. This Lesser Will rules in ignorance and inexperience. It is the False Self that stands in the way of the True Self. To sacrifice, trust to the inner voice and set aside that which hinders.

Later that same day I meditated again. The message that came emphasized the need for mystical and physical balance in my work. Detachment from excessive concern with the immediate task was stressed. This applied both to abstractions and to physical actualities. all things that exist are in some ways formless. Form and purpose are variable in all situations. to become fixed in interpretation of anything is to loose power over oneself. Things must be done and forms fixed, but each form must be understood as a thing for the moment and not an eternal reality. To fail in this is to fall into a deep sleep with but one dream. If the dream is great enough, this state may be bearable — usually it is called: “waiting for death.” Death comes to cleanse us of our unmoving dreams.

I continued to labor on the rooms of my home. Some of the plans for this work came through meditation on the gates. Some of what I did was determined by the materials at hand.


12/2/71 e.v.

Behold a room. It is empty and unadorned. White and dull are its walls. Its windows are blind eyes staring through dying growth at a life-despoiled world. I stand in the center of the room. About me swirls Chaos. Within me builds order. This room has much to become. Two vaults lie overhead. Square panes in twelves fill the windows. Much framework about the walls. The upper walls join the ceiling in an even curve. A fire place of complex pattern rises in the south. The north is an open space. There is no carpet.

Let there be night! The room shall be the place of Yesod, the temple of the Moon. Blue walls and ceiling, violet carpet, silver trim. Such are the colors of Yesod and the Moon. The vaults shall be covered with silver Egyptian stars until the goddess comes. Then shall Nuit reign in the depths of her sky. black and silver chairs appointed for the visitor. The eye of entertainment shall be decently shrouded in the South-East. The voice of dreams and far reporting shall lie East and West of South.

Upon the Western wall and to the short path of the North shall be what will be. Perhaps books to the two places, perhaps something better to the West. In mid-room, what will be.

Next to night is day; next to the Moon is the Sun. Tipheret shall lie next to the North. Yellow, gold and violet. Books, tapestry and wonders. The place of light and enlightenment. Next to darkness and entertainment.

In all, four rooms were designed to correspond to Sephiroth and planets. In effect, this means that there are four temples in the house. Only one is consecrated to special meditation, but the others serve as foci for consciousness appropriate to their symbolism.

The first of these rooms to be completed was the main temple, the room dedicated to Saturn and to Binah, the third Sephira of the Tree of Life. The color scheme is very simple, black and nothing else.

By 1973, there were several modifications to the basic design. When not used for meditation, the room of Binah serves as an occult library of over a thousand volumes. These books are displayed on the four walls of the room. To the East are two desks, one for use with the microfilm viewer and one for general use. Also in the East of the room are various notebooks and dictionaries. A small but growing collection of microfilms is kept near the viewer. These microfilms are being purchased from several major libraries and will, in time, furnish a considerable resource of centuries-old occult manuscripts. By 1973 the collection included works by John Dee, Robert Fludd, Kunrath and others on about 450 feet of film. In the West are works mainly devoted to history and a set of the “Encyclopaedia Britannica.” A single desk provides access to these works. To the South are classical works on occultism and religion. These included a complete Hebrew “Zohar,” half a dozen translations of the “Sepher Yetzirah,” the works of the “Ante-Nicean,” “Nicean and Post Nicean Fathers” and several Bibles. Also in the Southern cases are to be found Thorndike's “History of Magic and Experimental Science,” and much source material on Alchemy, Hermetics, Mythology, Rosicrucians, Neoplatonism, Gnosticism, Eastern systems, Qabalah and Philosophy. the Northern wall holds modern occult works, works on Psychology, Anthropology, Astrology and a fourth desk.

These books include a complete set of the Weiser edition of Crowley's “Equinox,” several first edition numbers of the same work, a compete set of Frazer's “Golden Bough,” and many of Crowley's separate works. The Order of the Golden Dawn is well represented. Theosophy is moderately represented.

This library is intended to be a place where occultists may indulge in research without the usual difficulties of large libraries. It is not a borrowing library, but provision is made for those who may wish to come to it and use its facilities. There aren't many really rare works present, other than the microfilms; but it is not common to find so many useful books on occultism in one place.

When the room of Binah is to be used for meditation, black curtains are drawn across in front of the books and desks. This leaves the central portion of the room completely enclosed in featureless black. Only a single flush-set light in the ceiling breaks this visual silence. When the light is turned low, the cubical inner chamber seems to be extended to infinity in all the six directions of space. Sound equipment is installed to permit recording of ritual for study, and the room is partially soundproofed.

Connected to the room of Binah by a short hall is the room of Geburah. This room is decorated in the four colors that the Order of the Golden Dawn assigns to the sephira Geburah and the planet Mars. The walls and ceiling are Orange, the woodwork is Bright Scarlet, Red Scarlet curtains can be made to enclose the central part of the room, and the floor is carpeted in Red flecked Black. The martial element is stressed by a dozen or so swords, knives and battle axes displayed on the walls.

This room also contains several hundred technical works on Mathematics and Physics. This is a place of gentle strength and a source of power to concentrate the mind on things that must be made and unmade. This is the room in which I have written this book. Despite the swords, etc. There is no overtone of violence about the room of Geburah. Everything is in the open; it is a warm and secure place without threat or discomfort. The four cats that live in the house often prefer this room. Two of them were born in it, under my bed. (Description dates from 1973 e.v.)

The rooms of Tipheret and Yesod are separated by an open arch. They are the common rooms of the house, intended for relaxation and leisure. They are united by a purple carpet which covers the floors of both rooms without division. The room of Tipheret and the Sun has yellow walls and ceiling, golden woodwork and lattice interior window shutters of gold lined with yellow and rose-pink cloth. A single antique globe hands from the center of the ceiling to furnish light. Below this artificial Sun is a brass table, positioned to catch its light. About the table are six cushions, intended to be covered by as many sheep skins. Under the windows in the East are shelves for books — these hold about 400 works of fiction. Other shelves in the room hold books on art and books for pleasure.

Tapestries relieve the yellow of the walls and soften the contrast between walls and carpet.

The room of Yesod and the Moon is intended for use in the night just as the room of the Sun is fit for the day. The walls and ceiling are a deep blue while the woodwork is metallic silver. Silver stars the size of a human hand make the flat vaults of the ceiling a symbolic night sky. Black chairs and a black couch provide comfort. The room is usually lighted by reflection from the room of the Sun, by light from candles and by fire light from a blue and silver brick fireplace in the south. Silver lattices backed by blue cloth cover the windows. A crystal ball stands upon the mantle to represent the Moon, and there are figures of the goddess at various places about the room.

The other Sephiroth are not absent; other rooms and places are dedicated to the remaining six. These are not yet specially decorated. The entrance porch is Malkut and the Earth. Netzach-Venus is the garden around the house. Hod-Mercury is the workroom. Chesed-Jupiter is an extra bedroom. The kitchen is sacred to Keter, in that it provides nourishment to those who inhabit the other rooms. The whole house is dedicated to Chokmah. Another room was made sacred to Sagittarius by the indwelling of a fair and beautiful lady of that Sun Sign, and is now the press room.

The entire house and garden is a physical representation of the Tree of Life. It's a pleasure to be able to walk through the various spheres of influence in this place. The different energies of the different rooms are quite easily felt, especially the decorated ones.

Many of the meditations that were made while I painted and organized the four special rooms reflected this labor and used it to teach balance between the mind and the physical world. These were typically shorter in the writing and about a half hour in duration for the first part of he meditation. Several days often intervened between meditations, in accordance with the change of method received earlier.

I became a bit overzealous in my work in on the house. This resulted in exhaustion and another lesson. Diary, 12/10/71: “Again I am confronted by a lesson, ChL is balanced activity; and I have, of course, experienced the meaning of this gate. Whereas one may experience in the positive, I have done so in the negative. By ignoring the dictates of this gate and those prior in the last three days, I have left open the only channel in suffering. Overwork on one day costs the next and weakens for one beyond. Thus again is vindicated the power of the gates and their truth.”

During the gates of Lamed I came to accept a theory that had evolved much earlier. This theory concerns a technical point on the division of the Tree of Life into the Four Worlds of the Qabalah. There are several ways by which this is done. The method preferred by the Order of the Golden Dawn employs the division of the Tree into Macroprosopus= Keter= Atzilut; Father and Mother= Chokman and Binah= Briah; Microprosopus= Chesed, Geburah Tipheret, Netzach, Hod and Yesod= Yetzirah; Bride of Microprosopus= Malkuth= Assiah. This method of division in traditional Qabalah is designed to teach about the “Parts of the Soul” and the “Countenances”, not the concept of the Four Worlds. The associations it gives to Yetzirah and to Assiah are not very useful. For my own view, I hold that the most natural division of the Tree into the four Worlds corresponds to the division by the Tetractys. Thus Keter = Crown = Atzilut = Transcendent. Binah and Chokmah = Understanding and Wisdom = Briah = Intellectual (as by these names). Chesed, Geburah and Tipheret = Mercy, Strictness or Severity and Beauty = Yetzurah = Moral (as by these names). Netzach, Hod, Yesod and Malkut = Victory (through endurance), Splendor or Glory, Foundation and Kingdom = Assiah = Mundane (as by these names). These Four Worlds represent the descent by emanation of the pure essence of God into the material multiplications of the created world. They also represent ascension of human consciousness from the mundane to the spiritual, when taken in reverse order. The concept of Microprosopus, on the other hand, represents the conscious mental activity below the Abyss (the division between the three Sephiroth at the top and the rest of the Tree). This involves both Yetziratic and Assiatic consciousness. Malkut is excluded from Microprosopus because it represents that part of the physical world which is below the level of self-aware consciousness. Malkut and the rest of the Asiah Sephiroth represent the physical world and those levels of consciousness immediate linked to it.

Tipheret and the other Yetziratic Sephiroth represent consciousness levels one step removed from direct contact with Malkut and the purely physical.

Division of the Tree of life into Prosopi:

                         [FIGURE #12:] 
                               1    ---------- Macroprosopus 
          BINAH                                  CHOKMAH 
Mother  --- 3                                       2 ---Father 
       UNDERSTANDING                             WISDOM 
         GEBURAH                                   CHESED 
            5                                        4 
         SEVERITY                                  MERCY 
              \                                    / 
               \                                 / 
                \                               / 
                 \                             / 
                  \                          / 
                   \       TIPHERET         / 
                    \         6            / 
                     \      BEAUTY        / 
                      \       .         / 
                       \      .        / 
                        \     .      / 
                         \    .     / 
                          \   .    / 
           HOD             \  .   /               NETZACH 
            8  -------  Microprosopus  ------------  7 
         SPLENDOR             .                   VICTORY 
                              10 --------------- Bride of Macroprosopus 

          Golden Dawn division of the Tree into Four Worlds: 
                         [FIGURE #13:] 
                               1    ---------- Atzilut(transcendent) 
          BINAH                                  CHOKMAH 
            3  ------------ Briah ----------------- 2 
       UNDERSTANDING    (intellectual)           WISDOM 
         GEBURAH                                   CHESED 
            5                                        4 
         SEVERITY                                  MERCY 
              \                                    / 
               \                                 / 
                \                               / 
                 \                             / 
                  \                          / 
                   \       TIPHERET         / 
                    \         6            / 
                     \      BEAUTY        / 
                      \       .         / 
                       \      .        / 
                        \     .      / 
                         \    .     / 
                          \   .    / 
           HOD             \  .   /               NETZACH 
            8  ---------- Yetzirah ----------------  7 
         SPLENDOR   (formative & moral)           VICTORY 
                              10 --------------- Assiah (mundane) 
          The Author's division of the Tree into Four Worlds: 
                         [FIGURE #14:] 
                               1    ---------- Atzilut (transcendent) 
          BINAH                                  CHOKMAH 
            3  ------------ Briah ----------------- 2 
       UNDERSTANDING    (intellectual)           WISDOM 
         GEBURAH                                   CHESED 
            5  ---------- Yetzirah ----------------  4 
         SEVERITY     (formative & moral)          MERCY 
           HOD                                    NETZACH 
            8                                        7 
         SPLENDOR                                 VICTORY 
              \                                  / 
               \                                / 
                \                              / 
                 \                            / 
                  \                          /   Tetractys & 
                   \        YESOD           / Tetragrammaton 
                    \         9            /     placed on the 
  The                \    FOUNDATION      /      Tree of Life: 
  Tetractys           \       .          /         Y ------- A. 
     of                \      .         /        H   Y ----- B. 
  Tetragrammaton:      Assiah (mundane) 
        Y  ---- A.            .                  H   Y . 
       H Y  --- B.            .                    V   .---- Y. 
      V H Y  -- Y.           MALKUT               
     H V H Y  - A.            10                 H   Y . 
                             KINGDOM               V   :---- A. 
                                                   H   . 

After dealing with this theory about the Four Worlds, I took off three weeks from the steady flow of meditations to finish the major work on the house. The gate influence during this time was LM.

Each gate holds sway over the time from the previous gate meditation until the conclusion of the next formal meditation. All the time of the influence of each gate is to be understood in the light of the meanings of the gate. This means that a series of gate meditations constitutes uninterrupted meditation. Much of the time this is not consciously considered, but events occur and ideas come that make the connection to each gate very definite. These times between formal meditations give me a chance to work out what I have learned and to experience the influence of some gates over a longer period of mundane time that others. Each gate has the same basic importance, but I need to adjust to some gates more than to others. These “hard to learn” and “important to work with” gates are the ones with the longest stretches between formal meditations. When a series of twenty-one formal meditations has been finished (all twenty-one involving the same letter matched to the other letters of the Hebrew alphabet) a meditation on the common letter of the series gives a brief respite between gate meditations. During this respite, no gate of the 231 has particular influence.

The formal meditation on LM occurred on January first, 1972 just after the last of the four black curtains was hung in the temple. I had attempted a first-type meditation on this gate on December 15, 1971. At that time the meditation failed owing to mistaken correspondences. This was an omen to me that I should finish the temple before continuing meditations. I wrote in December: “The gate of presence before the scales of the Great Judge. Karma is weighed out and willingly accepted. Harmonious complementation in active and passive. The sealing of the covenant through release of the past and exchange of being.” In January, after successful meditation: “The gate of the presentation of the born. Here a child of those who labor is raised to the place of holiness. It is for him to decide the path. Yet love of that which IS is omnipresent. Let darkness reign that there may be light!”

I continued to use Crowley's poem, the Lesser Pentagram Ritual and my own Cube of Space meditation. I occasionally performed these exercises aloud in the darkened temple before performing them astrally without moving or speaking. This sort of double meditation exercise is very beneficial.

The physical run-through gives fresh impressions for the mental projection. Both get me very high, especially the mental or astral projection, I continued to develop my technique of vibration of the magical words of the rituals. This technique eventually became very effective. It is based on some theories of Crowley, Goetic “Howling” and the capacity of my body to produce loud, high pitched sound. I can get very stoned by ritual vibration.

The meditations on the gates of Mem began on January seventeenth. The first twelve of these included formal written meditations of the second type. The rest were of the first-type.


1/17/72 e.v.

Stand on a high rock above a great pit. What can you see? Is anyone there? Clouds come not so high, yet vision, even eagle-like, cannot penetrate to such depths as are below. There is a means of testing the 'depts. There is a path to Hell which leads from Heaven's lofty gates. Why tread that path of awesome falling? No answer to a question ever came in Heaven. There is no place to ponder; only dreams of dismal space and glowing splendors. No true dreams, these; only glowing, only emptiness.

What can a soul do with such? Abandon! Flee! Seek answers in an otherwhere! As foot departs the Abyss lip and body falls into forever-deep, a voice cries out: “There is no other- where.” Unheeded now, the voice is buried in a thousand calls and utterances. Fall past the knowing dreams and past the blinded seers. Fall ever deeper into matter. Seek ever the core as voices abound in ever increasing ruckus. Where once was silence now is a steady flow of noise. The noise merges into a hum and crackle. The voices pass into the Voice. The Voice is lost in its own senseless roar. Soon mind distinguishes it not. An infinite sound is no different than a total silence. Matter accumulates and darkness falls. Density is reached where movement cannot be. Dark is reached where there can be no relieving, no single gray mote of lesser dimness. Infinite density is no different than absolute freedom from restraint. Infinite darkness is no different than infinite, featureless light. What has the fall accomplished? No change has been perceived. Yet in the moment between the fixed points that equally are Heaven and Hell a loss of memory occurred. Rise up to fall again. Fall to rise again. The pendulum of madness swings to and fro across a span that is a greater thing than its boundaries. Heaven and Hell are not different places unless there is a place between. Let him who can inhabit all three. It matters not where head and feet are situate, so long as the middle is in rushing air and flowing water.

On the twenty-first of January, 1972, I first met L. This lady reached more deeply into my soul than any lady had before. In L. I learned to love a woman deeply and closely as a person; and ultimately lost the worst dementia of my virginity, though not my physical virginity. This beautiful woman made free my mind and enabled me to climb higher on the Tree of Life. Without her I would have failed. She is important, though often hidden, in these writings; for the love of her is prominent in my life. She became my dear sister and the spiritual fifth person to whom I was able to say “I love you.” She has freed me to love many others in many ways.


1/22/72 e.v.

Rise up and join the fires of eternal life! The winds are calling as they rush upward past the beings men dream they are. There is no stopping or turning back. The land of Grimalkin and the children who grow at the roots of the trees of madness is my land. There is a darkening sky below me. The mountains and trees recede above my dangling limbs. I fly upward and backward on a path that has no end, no beginning. There is a fire which burns not, yet consumes all and makes it fire. This is my fire. This is my being. Waters flow in veins of fire. The water burns. The fire wets. Wind howls its laughter as we mount higher than there are souls to mount. Higher yet into the place of spirit trailing our souls on long tethers down to the sky. Laugh and mountains rise while cracks appear in a false heaven and an untrue cosmos. The wheels of mad minds churn not half so fast as do the little wind-mill sandal straps by which we leap. Come follow and be one of us in being one.

A few days later, Fr. F. N. and I received a most welcome visit. David Bycina, a teacher from San Francisco State, came to see the new place and the growing library. David had taught the class on the “History of Magic and Mysticism…” in which Fons Numeris and I meet. The bibliography provided through that class gave me direction in building my library. Without it I would have been lost among the thousands of vague books that crowd the shelves of occult bookstores. With the aid of that class, I selected a core of powerful books and built up the rest by running down bibliographies in the best of the books that I had. This method has proven itself to be quite effective. good books recommend other good books.

On the occasion of this visit, David Bycina explained that it was possible to order microfilm from the great libraries of the world and thereby gain access to their collections of rare manuscripts. Long after this suggestion, I acted. The result has been described above. Since writing that description of my library, I have received from the British Museum a copy on film of the “Book of Enoch” as taken down by the hand of Edward Kelly, medium to John Dee. This manuscript contains the magical square of the system of Dee and Kelly that was so highly regarded by Crowley. It will afford many hours of research. Perhaps a new book will be written. Perhaps a new perception will be found concerning the mental processes of Renaissance and Modern Magicians. Only time and effort will tell. There is much to do.

On the 29th of January I made a Tarot divination to determine my progress and to obtain some idea of the road ahead. This used the Waite deck:

The signifactor (Seven of Cups) refers to my wish for peace and harmony. The covering card (Queen of Swords) indicates the difficulty I have with resolution of the means-end problem. The card opposed (Three of Wands) shows more clearly the trouble I have in manifesting my will because of this problem. I should have realized that one part is mine, the second that of the Universe, the third is the manifestation. Crowning (Nine of Coins) is what I seek, it is but inverted to signify that this is not to dominate or destroy future growth and change. Below, the Ace of Wands, inverted to show that there is a realization of the one aim behind my thought and being, but that this is yet imperfect. Behind, the Page of Wands inverted to show my approach in inexperience and confusion to this problem — yet a noble and determined approach. Before, the High Priestess inverted; I have made the commitment, however imperfectly, to the subconscious living soul that guides me. The future has been set and now must come. The Emperor is myself, a mark of willed ordering of being. The Two of Swords inverted shows that my environment proposes the problem I am now facing and resolving. The King of Cups inverted shows that I both hope and fear what I shall possess in the conclusion, no matter what it is. The card of what will be is Ace of Swords; union of the means and end into one inseparable whole, firmly clutched in the hand of the Universe.

The meditations of the gates of Nun began on February second, 1972. The first of these, Aleph and Nun, was reported earlier in this history. The second of these meditations took place five days later. This meditation of Bet and Nun caught me up again in the arms of my Angel. The allusion to the number nine is an announcement of the approach of initiation into Yesod — still four months away.


2/7/72 e.v.

BN, the Son! I am the Son of the eternal fire that consumes not yet burns all away. In me the winds have their being. Nine walls face the winds in my land beneath the flat surface of the sky. The waters cling to my ceiling as the motes of life rush in eddies and swirlings about. I am a stormy sea in heaven. Upon me sail the boats of gods and men; yet I am not that Great Sea, my Mother. I am the sea that is the soul. In me and through me pass the currents of becoming and of ending. I am the sea of change. A place below the flat place of Heaven is my place. Cold gray are my winds. A blueness is there also. Few can but glimpse the land of my being. Easy is it enough for gods among men to lower the wall a bit an view the ceiling of my place. Yet no one dares to view me. For in my place am I. When worlds collide it is nothing to my dark stillness. I am Thor. I ride the storm. The storm is my being. Those who fear the storm are my enemies. To them I send sickness. There is a way to know me. Stand alone in my place and name me. You shall keep at bay my many forms which conceal my one form. Stay the influences. Make firm the place. Set warders to the directions. Build a universe within the place and within yourself. Then call aloud my name. I will come. I will take you as myself. Yet you shall see me not. You will see with my own eyes, and you shall dwell in my place. Harken to the wind. Seize the lightning. Watch for the foolish gods among men to peep trembling at the ceiling of the flat sky. Laugh when their wall shuts tight against them. They know us not. They know not the Son.

The setting of this meditation is in Yesod, and the attributes are mostly those of the Moon. My Angel (or Higher Self) speaks to me in the form of an inhabitant of that place. The Angel instructs in the methods which may be used to reach up into Yesod and beyond. The Angel will also appear in the higher Sephiroth, but this is the first of the visions of those places called “Yesod” and “Binah”, for a vision came with this meditation that partook of both.

My reader, if it troubles you to call such a beingness an angel, call it what you like. Be it Devil or God or Delusion or Schizophrenic Alter Ego, it is still my Angel and my great delight. If you would join with me in this — read on!

The gate of DN communicated at long last the mystery of overcoming nose itch and sneezing during meditation. This minor physical discomfort had been a considerable distraction in the past. There's nothing quite so effective as a good sneeze to break one's concentration. I learned to get behind such things and to make them an advantage instead of a liability.


2/8/72 e.v.

Behold! A marvel is revealed to the children of men! Thy nose, thy very nose which filleth with snot, which paineth htee, which causeth thy whole body to convulse with the goings out thereof — this is a great thing that is above many.

Examine thy sexual organs, O'h man. Examine thy cock and balls. Examine thy cunt and ovaries, O'h woman. Are these not like unto thy nose? Ponder this. Even as there are two testes in the male and two ovaries in the female, there are two nostrils in both. There is but a single cock (how like the nose in shape!) or but a single cunt in the best of us (at least most of us). Is not this like the tracheae which dependith from the breathing passages? Even as the sperm and egg do pass from two places into one, so does the air pass from the two nostrils into one throat. When nares are filled with snot, the inhalation bears it to the throat — thence out in cough as in similitude to orgasm.

Deeper and more profound are these matters. As does the sexual orgasm so does the breath. The one lets forth the germ of life. The other draws in the essence of it. Yet the nose is more readily reversed. When cock is stimulated there comes an irritation, then a feeling of great pleasure, then explosion. When nose is irritated, there comes a feeling that the ignorant know as discomfort and the wise identify with a churning in their knockers. To one the sneeze is pain and violence, to the other pleasure and orgasm. Ask those who use snuff, that aphrodisiac of the nares, they know. Then too, each sneeze is preceded by a drawing in as the divine air rushes like cum into the lungs. The lungs are like a double womb and pair of testicles combined; they quickly hurl back the new formed babe in a great blast of double copulation.

Let it be recorded that the God who designed such a machine as man had a crude sense of humor.

The meditations of the Gates of Nun continued.


2/11/72 e.v.

The greatness of heavenly abstraction meets with earthly application. Behold above the joining and dividing. There is a logical process whereby one is made two and two one. This process is the only one in nature, yet it is seldom recognized. This unique process is the root of all construction and destruction, yet it serves to construct and destroy even itself. There cannot be but two applications; to make or break. Yet these two applications are of one principle. Thus the principle in its abstract form is one; in its practical form, two. The processes of analysis and synthesis (themselves but the the practical forms in a specialized case) may be applied to this principle to get the processes; or to the processes to get the principle. Thus the one and the two are subject to themselves as ordering and disordering. View the case of a cloth joined to another cloth. The needle divides the thread and travels in two distinct directions. Yet, when all is done, there is but one piece of cloth where once was two. The dual actions involved in sewing have produced a unifying result. The day and night are together the Day. In like manner the life and death of a being are together the Life of that being.

Even as two pieces of cloth are joined to form a single piece through the action of the needle, so also are life and death joined by the separate acts of dying and being born. Visualize life as a bright cloth, death as a dull one — or reverse the symbolism if you wish. Some choose to visualize an individual life as a cloth of alternating light and dark, perhaps endless, perhaps in time merging into the garment that is the Life of God or the Existence of the Absolute. For such, life is a fringe on this metaphoric prayer shawl of the Creator. Even as the fringe of a garment may be knotted to represent prayer, so may lives become entwined. Is not the cloth of the greater an entanglement or an orderly weaving of many threads? Others view life of all as always interwoven. Still others see a single patch of light in a vast sea of darkness. These we pity, for they have an eternal Hell of not-being before their minds, or else a heaven with a flaw. Yet it is in some ways closer to the simplest and most rational to view thusly, in absence of further information. Let not reason confound you. It is but a tool to give pleasure and to create the means for pleasure, use in lesser matters is vile.


2/11/72 e.v.

A serpent wings its way from Chet to Nun as secret wisdom finds a ready nest. Come blankness. Come vanishment. My mind has labored long over the 3 x 72. My mind has been banished of dreams of place and time. Gone is desire and madness. I am not. I know not. I conceive not. A slimy-clean serpent of tarnished bronze exits my anus and girds my loins. It has a womb for my penis. I enter it. About my body twines the rainbow. It rubs itself lasciviously upon and within my flesh. About me and within me coils and rubbings. To my mouth thy gentle lips and sharp tongue O'h beauteous God of Snakes. Come enter in. The tongue of all that's vile and beautiful enters my mouth to exit my nostrils. It passes in at orbs of eyes to drill the brain! In me stirs a golden one. Without, a vertigo clasps. When will they join who love each other thus?

In the next meditation, I first accepted that the messages which I had received came from my Angel. There were other more-or-less direct messages before, but this time I could not mistake or look away. The message was too plain and too plainly given.


2/14/72 e.v.

Journey to the sea shore. Watch waves break endlessly upon the stone. The waters rush to and fro, produce mighty display and effect nothing, to the eye. Yet the stones die into sand and the waves break new stones, without change. Such is your nature in these meditations. You were given this sign that you might know where you stand. As with all signs, it conveys no information that is not known before. Yet it does convey an emphasis. Journey the long journey. Labor without remission. Yet labor not upon the peculiarities of every obstacle one-at-a-time. Like the sea, you must meet the barrier in a form-fit. You must ever rush in and ebb away. Yet each rush loosens, and each ebb frees a little more. As in the sea, storms of might will sometimes rise and then will work great wonders. These are rare. Avail yourself of them. Yet it is the slow tidal action of your body and soul that you must use most often. You shall see me when you will see me. For you know and you don't know how to see me, yet you know something. Continue. Grow. Labor. Obey me. You and I are one forever.

Remember …

Soon came the gate NP; in Tarot, Death and the Tower of Destruction. My Angel took this opportunity to instruct me concerning my too great attachment for physical possessions. Diary:

2/17/72; ”… The events of this date are involved in limited violence to preserve and to establish union. For example, at about 3:00 PM today, under the influence of this gate, my car was struck from the rear and the trunk stove in. At about that same time, or a bit earlier, someone stole almost all of a collection of posters from my garage. These events brought home the meaning of the gate without serious harm to me, but with graphic suddenness. My possessions mean nothing to me where they conflict with my higher objectives. I was only mildly upset by the accident. I was more deeply annoyed by the theft, but I recognized it as stemming from my carelessness …”

On the seventeenth of February, under the influence of NTz, L. came again to the house. She came to stay seven days later. The house was large enough, and it had become apparent that feminine influence was needed. The Gate was NTh when L. took up residence.

On the twenty-sixth of February, I completed the first passage of the path of Taw, the path connection Malkut and Yesod on the Tree of Life. The path of Taw is in one sense never finished, for it prefigures the entire Tree. In another sense, this path is finished when the waiting period for initiated entrance into Yesod has begun. I was ready to enter as soon as my Angel judged me ready. All basic preparations were finished. It only remained for me to gather strength and continue development alone established lines.

The gates of Samekh began on the 28th of February, 1972. Some of the second-type meditations follow.


3/14/72 e.v.

The Dreamer and the Dreamed. This is thy designation. Ponder it in the waste time. It is thy given name or motto. Set it to Latin and inscribe it on the rose cross. You are to make and consecrate a rose cross. It is to be of metal, such as you have power to take. In its consecration the elemental weapons are needed. For the weapons, the forge. In short, the time has come to set your hand to these manual labors of the Great Work. That is the true nature of the test. Fashion first the forge. Consecrate not the implements and the forge. The belong to that One Who IS. They have been long consecrated to Mercury and Venus through Water and Fire. Craft then the altar. There shall be metal in the forge. There shall be no metal in the altar, save that which is kept for the purpose. You shall be given further instruction when the time is proper for it.

I became suspicious. Something in this was not quite right. The making of the magical weapons was premature. I desired it with too much of my lower will. The Higher Will provided direction, but the lower will sought to advance the date of the making and use. My meditations became a mixture of genuine messages from the Angel and forced messages from my lower self. I later discovered how to identify the difference. At the time of these meditations, I usually felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and a sort of hesitancy, when my lower will intruded. The instructions are valid, save in some minor and variable details; but the statements of time and urgency are often false. The Higher Will cannot be disobeyed. The lower will is often frustrated and must indulge in threats. Where threats occur in the meditations, it is always the lower will. Where statements of the consequences of certain actions are made, it may be the Higher or the lower will. Where pronouncements of a certain sort, attended by certain signs or omens, are made, it is the Higher Will.

Thus, the task of the forge, weapons and cross is right. The motto is valid and may be used in Latin. The time of the working has not yet arrived. The tasks are not yet due. It is permitted that these things be made ahead of need, but the impatient lower will falsely stated that they were to be done almost at once. I did assemble and dedicate the forge. In that way, my Higher Will, my Angel or Little God protected me against my own folly. Some of what follows is from the Higher, some from the lower. I will differentiate.


3/14/88 e.v.

Yes! A return. The task has been appointed. A forge has been begun this day under the Chariot and the Temperer. Heed this as the influence. Continue the gate mediations. The dominion of hours and days in your work is that in your life. The inner planets and signs rule, not the outer. When there is no cycle having such associations, attend to the mortal sky, else reckon by the inner sky as is appointed in the cycles. Thus shall the making of the weapons and such things be reckoned by the moving patterns of these gates. When other things are done at other times, reckon by the things of those times. The deeds now are those of the preparation and consecration of the magical weapons (This sentence is not quite right. The lower will is seeking to advance the date to the present. The Higher Will does not specify). A word of warning. Look not for omens or auspicious times in these gates. All times are telling. You have a key in inner trinities whereby any influence may be drawn from any. Use it! (My Higher Will warns of the deception. The seekings after omens are improper. Omens come suddenly without warning. They may be requested; but to actively seek them is to make them up.) This has been done for the starting of the forge. For other matters, see that you set the influence. View the gate until it opens on the desired radiance.

The meditation continues with an attempt by the lower will to force the making of the magical weapons, the tools of ceremony. The Higher Will does not directly oppose, but provides a means of ritually controlling and transferring the powers of such premature creations to later and better tools.

Another matter. There is a holding back in the making of weapons which should not be. This is ridiculous. To aid your labors, say this: “Spirit(s) N. or N. I charge that you inhabit the astral form of this material implement. When you are called, come. When you are sent, go. When you are charged to quit this habitation for another, do so. It is my voice and my will alone that shall send and appoint in these things. If you are sent by me to another, quit him at my command and return to me.” When improvements are being made in magical weapons, send the spirit or soul of the weapon into some place, object, part of the weapon, or part of your being; such as the hands which fashion, the matter which forms, etc.

Thus the instructions of the hour.

The next meditation gave detailed directions for making elemental weapons; these include the dagger, cup, wand and dish. The altar was also described. This meditation will not be given here. It is being withheld from the concern that these designs may be copied by others. Each who takes this path must design his or her own in accordance with the Will of the Higher Self. To copy is to lose much of the virtue. It is fitting that such implements as are know be studied and even duplicated, but only for practice. I have not yet made these magical weapons. The time is not yet upon me for that task (1973 e.v.). Yet, as I write this I enter the Sphere of Tiphereth and there it is a thing that may be done in fullness. The rituals of consecration shall come when the weapons are made. These shall not be made public until they have been used.

          {FIGURE #15:]

              Q B
             Q B L
            Q B L H

About this time several ladies came to visit. My virginity began acting up and many of the succeeding meditations were botched by horniness. It isn't that sexual horniness is wrong for this sort of thing, it's just that sexual horniness coupled with ignorance and unrealizable fantasy is a hindrance. Sex energy can be a powerful basis for Magick. Confused and immature sex isn't a basis for much of anything. My lower will was all for getting it on, but it lacked the competence to get it together. My Higher Will was all for it too, but not until things were ready. This conflict resulted in a lot of mediations dwelling on how soon I could get myself laid. I will omit most of these examples from this history, but I will report on the progress toward proper balance. L. helped by puncturing my fantasies. Whenever I got a little too heavy, she taught me my place. My place was to get my head straight. Now that I have made the necessary adjustments, I'm not so much in a hurry to drop my rocks. It doesn't have to be NOW NOW NOW!!! I came to accept that initiation into these sweet mysteries would come in due course, perhaps by someone I had known for a long time, perhaps by someone I had yet to meet. Matters of circumstance and person became the chief considerations. There were suitable persons, but the circumstances weren't quite right.

Meanwhile, back on the brink of Yesod, the ninth Sephiroth on the Tree of Life.


3/18/88 e.v.

Come vagrant one! Time presses heavily upon you in this hour of aloneness. You talk overmuch to yourself in dimness of understanding. Rise up when the hour of rising is upon you. Ask not what hour. Only rise up. Thus the ages are appointed. Thus the day wears on. There is indeed much to do. Have at it! Heed the call to action when it comes. There is labor to be done. Labor well and labor strongly. Seek the fulfillment. Bemoan its absence not.

Thus the ordinance. Thus the duty. Yet what is duty and ordinance but the prompting of Thy own True Will? These things shall be done. See that you do them willingly, not that you do them with unwilling waiting to the hour of action. Think not of what might have been and what may be. There is now for eternity. The past is dream time, the future is blind to the anxious. “Go forth and teach all nations,” was an ordinance to Thy brothers. “Be all and raise all,” is Thy ordinance. Get on.

The ordinance last given supplied me with my name in Hod and will supply me with my name in Chesed when the time is right.

The next gate was the last of the second-type meditations for Samekh. It concerned a further stage in my spiritual development and effected a relaxation in hostilities with my old religion. There will probably never be a reconciliation, but I am at peace with my Catholic past. About this time I began to introduce ritual invocation of the Tree of Life into my meditations. This eventually became elaborated into the meditative ritual given in Appendix E of this book. I recommend its practice highly. This ritual provided me with the focus necessary to develop my views of the Tree.


3/18/72 e.v.

There is a little voice of clay inside you which says, “No.” This “No” is gradually falling into dust, but the process must be accelerated. The study of rituals will aid in this. Remember always that there is merit in all things. This includes the old faith. Confession is not possible. Communion is an affront to those who believe in it. You must not scandalize these children in their best part. Yet there is much that is good and that is open. Spurn not chance, hope, opportunity. There is light where once was darkness. Let the old light become darkness. Let the old light become absorbed in the new.

Only when all threads have been tied in a single, well-made knot will the Great Work be a free labor of lustful glory. The little nay-sayer is a hindrance. Yet his voice has its uses in a later stage as in an earlier. Tend him well and get him straight as to his lessons. This is a long task. It proceeds.

In the next meditation, the Angel speaks in the form of Ariel, the Devil of Tarot who is also called Lucifer and Morning Star and the Adversary who is Satan. This is not the black thing that the crippled minds of recent ages have painted. This is the spirit that perfects through hardship and limitation. Honor the Prince of the Fallen Ones, for that prince shall ever be a just servant of God.

There are many simple and a few complex mysteries in this matter; but the substance of them is this:

There is no evil in an absolute sense. Lucifer never rebelled against God. Lucifer is the dark and hard aspect of God's appearance to men. The jealous god of the Old Testament is Jehovah acting in the person of Lucifer. Christ of the New Testament is Lucifer playing out his role through self-inflicted punishment. The trials, temptations and tortures of Christ are no more than a mythical reenactment of the mysteries of Hercules, Orpheus, Tammuz, Osiris and other dying gods of antiquity.

These mysteries are not new, nor are they outdated. Christ and the others are images of every person of the human race. The trials they endure are dramatizations of the experience of everyone. When physical violence was a common thing in the world, such trials were displayed as physical. Now such trials are more often represented by mental than by physical suffering. We need a new savior to receive the garment of the mysteries. We need a new Buddha or a figure in many ways not unlike Aleister Crowley. If Crowley is that new, mortal Christ-Lucifer, we must wait until time has made his mortality less evident. There have never been gods and sons of gods among men who were in any way uniquely superior to other men. Only time can dull the mortal memory and make a Christ or a Crowley something more than human. The Gods and Sons of the gods dwell within us all. We are all Gods and Goddesses, or there are no Gods and Goddesses. There are other candidates beside Crowley for this post of symbol of humanity. Who is chosen for the New Age matters little. By the time the new Lucifer is risen in light above the altars of the world, all but the Christ in Him or Her will be forgotten. That is why our old gods wear out. Their worshipers forget that they worship one of their own. Enough. Here's the meditation:


3/26/72 e.v.

Hail traveler in darkness! Summon the light and see the day. Doubt and fear vanish beyond this door. You can have no fear, for all things of fear end here. Doubt cannot pass, for this is the all-dissolving portal of certainty. Draw the scales from of your eyes and see God! All that you see is; yet all that is, you do not see. Know what you see not. I give you the knowledge of good and evil. Mine is the fruit of the fallen. Yet why are they the fallen? Is it not that they have fallen from false righteousness and ignorant pride? Taste the fruit offered by the woman chained as are you by the natal string to men and women gone before. Thus are dimnesses dispelled. Come avenging angel and disperse these willing ones from dismal paradise of nonentity into the greater world upon the path to gods and goddesses. Come nigh the fruit; for to fall is to rise. Thy end draws near. Beyond are greater ends.

The entrance into Yesod drew near. Much of what has been recorded here is proper to Yesod.

Even the manner and form of the meditations is in some senses proper to Yesod. Yet Yesod is not attained until one is nearly ready to pass beyond it. The gates continue.


4/4/72 e.v.

The wheel of ages grinds out karma for the children of ages. This is the one task, the simple task. To come and go. To form and vanish. Endlessly to be and cease to be. Let be; let die; it is one. The path doubles ever back on itself. Yet it is a spiral, ever ascending. There will be a turning back of this spiral, yet the spiral is a part of an even greater spiral and the greater of a greater still. Thus the path of eternity. Ever moving in endless epicycles in the void. Yet never moving. All souls journey thus. Yet the path is made of souls. These lie in place of stones for pavement. They light as lamps; they refresh; they quench. These souls of the path are themselves journeying on the path. Yet smaller are their curvings. They are on interior spirals. Even so O'h traveler with thee. The elements beneath thy heel. The Gods upon thy head. Reach a little down that the Gods may bear you up.


4/7/72 e.v.

Come to the quiet and deserted places beneath the sea. These marble halls have been long hidden beneath the moving waters. Long has the archway been silent. Long has the courtyard been untenanted. Call out to the sea and raise the hand and will. Back roll the waves. The waters depart from concealed abundance. Ancient stairs of porphyry and archways of yellowed limestone emerge.

The children come and play amid the stones. I stand and ponder. The sea has drawn far out while children play. My mind relaxes its force for an instant. Waters rush in a cascade that fills the arch. I will again and the cascade freezes, then fades from sight. There is no rushing water save beyond the gate. Yet when I will, I see the cresting wave dimly lurking in the archway.

The children play in the heart of the waters. Who knows but that the waters are here. They are but unsensed.

I experienced another outbreak of irrational and fantastic horniness. This occluded the meanings of the gates behind a mass of impossible expectations. Finally I came to a decision and magically purged the problem. Diary: 5/4/72 e.v. ”…I have decided that I am no longer Virgin. Physically, perhaps; but mentally, no. To this end, I opened the 1959 Chateau d'Yquem, as I privately had decided to do on my coming of 'moral' age …” This was done under the influence of the gate a'aTz.

There were many gaps in the flow of meditations at this time. I began to take longer with the individual gates. My resignation from the virginity obsession reduced the amount of sublimation that I needed. I had more time to let the gates work their magick.

Around the end of May, I sent out 78 brochures advertising a workshop in “Ritual Magic, Tarot and Qabbalah” to be taught by Frater Fons Numeris and myself. This series of classes met at our house. The whole of the thing lasted for several months and brought good contacts and new friends.

We didn't make any money, but we got a lot organized. This series of classes started my communication with the outer world on occult matters. At this time I started writing and thinking to teach others. The results manifested in an exponential increase in productivity. I bought a mimeograph machine and published a short pamphlet on the “32 Emanations.” More will be said about this later. As for now:

Under the influence of the gate a'aR




During a dream experienced June first, nineteen hundred and seventy-two of the common era.

The Dream: I was a part of a crew or camp on Earth's Moon. We had little contact with the home planet and were engaged in exploration. On one of the treks, we discovered a shallow cave. The front of this we covered, and we flooded the inside with air to render our work easier. In the rear of this cave we found a stone figure of an elephant. The figure was about six or seven feet high and set to the front shoulders in the cave wall, near the back of the cave. This interested us much. Nonetheless, our time to return was nearing and we had little to spare on such a remarkable, but isolated, find.

Toward the end of our projected stay, I and a girl of the crew returned to the cave. She pulled on the elephant's head; and, to our surprise, the stone came away. Beneath was a smaller elephant, carved of gold. My female companion returned to the camp while I remained behind. I chanced to grasp the trunk of the golden elephant and pulled the entire head clockwise with the trunk going from about six to eight or nine o'clock. A door opened in the rear of the cave. People of the Moon came out. Soon the party from my camp arrived. We entered with the lunar people into their air- filled cavern. They were not fully willing to tolerate us and, in time, told us to leave and not return. The others left.

I returned to the cave with the girl, and we stood outside the veil of the passage leading into the cavern of the moon-people. This position did not infringe upon their privacy. The moon-people were in attendance at a religious ceremony much like the Roman Catholic Mass. I felt devout and bowed my head over clasped hands in prayer. The priest of the moon-people gave them communion behind the veil. He saw me and my companion and carried the holy cup out to me from behind the veil. I held it and did as I should with it. It was as a small wedding chalice of silvery metal, encrusted with round knobs. Inside was a wine of purple shade. I returned the sacred cup, and the priest reentered the cavern behind the veil.

After the service had ended, I sued for entry into the cavern, saying that I was not a human of Earth. To prove this claim, I floated off the cavern floor (I had been permitted entry to state my case.). After floating about at various heights before and on a level with the heads of the moon-people, I was allowed to stay and to roam at will. There were some who didn't wholly approve of my floating, but I was accepted (This points to the need, at some future date, to improve myself in the things proper to Yesod. I have them in adequate measure to function within that Sephira and to govern it; but I do not function there perfectly or govern absolutely.). I saw how the air was produced by small red and white “mollusks” in square water tanks. They were like a sort of crayfish. Water came from crab-like creatures in other tanks. I wandered to the edges of the cavern where the dome came down to the floor and seemed of concrete, shaped like the underside of a freeway overpass where it descends to high banked earth. In a small cranny near the junction of the wall and floor lurked a wild specimen of the air-creatures. This I gently summoned with my mind. The small “mollusk” began to follow me … “

My Diary also includes a commentary on this dream: … This dream is set on the 32nd path of Taw, near the 9th path of Yesod. This is shown by the earth-people visiting the Moon. The path into the Moon (YSVD) can be entered only for the sake of the higher things (ThPARTh) — shown by the golden figure. One may stay for a visit, but the place itself will expel the dull and morbid thoughts of Earth. The mind must go forth with them or suffer them to depart from the mind. The episode of the veil and ritual was a holy rite of entry, a cleansing before passage. … I entered into the Sephira, passed a silver veil, and demonstrated that I was airy (Floating. Air is a correspondence to Yesod.).

The objection mumbled seem to refer to the floating as an act of will (Hod consciousness?) rather than freely. The air- mollusk-arthropod-crayfish fits the Sephira and also the 29th path to Netzach. Thus it would seem that the events of the day allowed me to rise on the 32nd, pass into the 9th and touch the 19th path of the Tree of Life. … To fully travel the 29th is not so easy for one of my persuasion….”


AND THE VEIL (Paroket):

                         [FIGURE #19:] 
             Above, no direct connection to the Earth 
Paroketh   To                To                    To 
PRKTh     Geburah       /  Tipheret  \             Chesed     The Veil 
* * *  *    .         /       .       \             .    * * * *  
         * *.  * *   /        .         \     * * * .* * Paroket
Below,      .      */ * *     .     * * * \ *       .     (according to 
all         .      /      * * * * *         \       .   the G.'. D.'.) 
Sephiroth   .     /           .               \     . 
directly   HOD   /       27   . Peh             \ NETZACH 
connect   Path 8  -  -  -  -  -  -  - -  -  -  -  Path 7 
to the   SPLENDOR             .                   VICTORY 
Earth.     HVD                .                 /  NTzCh 
            \  \              .               /   / 
             \   \30          .          Tzaddi   / 
              \    \ Resh     .       28  /     /   NB: In Traditional 
               \     \        .         /      /       Hebrew Qabalah 
                \      \    YESOD     /       /        Paroket Zohar 
                 \       \ Path 9   /        /        is above Geburah 
                  \       FOUNDATION        /           and Chesed. 
                   \         YSVD          / 
                 31 \         .           /Qof 
                   Shin      3.2        /29 
                      \       .Taw     / 
                       \      .       / 
                        \    MALKUT  / 
                         \  Path 10 / 
                          \ KINGDOM/ 

I began the gates of Peh on the 23rd of June. These gates continued my initiation on the Tree. The initiation into Yesod was confirmed. Later other Sephiroth were entered. The time between meditations was often quite long. The gates of Peh supplied the quality that I needed below the veil called Paroket, which separates the lower four Sephiroth of the Tree from the upper six. The lower four, Netzach, Hod, Yesod and Malkut, are united by the path of Peh (path 27 on the Tree diagram). The time of the gates of Peh was extended to aid in the mastery of these Sephiroth. The magical influence of these gates was needed to bring me through to higher mental spaces.


7/17/72 e.v.

A shining one has come! He stands to the right hand. He is clothed in silken brown-gold leaves. He is a friend and yet a being of one sort of power. He is clothed with the Sun of Earth. He is young and strong. Amber garment. Hair of dark amber-brown. Hair the color of sun baked earth. He is there. I have seen him.

There shall be many things yet, O'h wanderer after wisdom. Some little bit of the foretold has started. It will never end. There shall come revelation, and with it shall come love. Bonds have been lifted. This shall not make bonds that limit more. Nothing shall be raised in opposition. Await the return of the messenger of the paths. He has visited you. He will come again in sleep and waking. Heed him and know his purpose. He is the one who shall be thy aid past these earliest veils of Isis. He is a guide such as has entered your dreams.

                       [FIGURE #20:] 
      AYSh                       Y 
    V-AShH                       H 
    Man and                      V       Y 
    Woman.                       H       H 
    Without the difference,              V 
    only ASh --- Ashes                   H 

He is a part of self, and yet he is himself. This one will, by his presence, lead you on to better things. You know him well. Many dreams has he inhabited. Many acts have you and he witnessed in the moving places of eternal sleep.

This visitor is the helper of the paths from Yesod.

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